Infinite Love
Dear Abigail,
I miss you so much. Everyone here knows I haven’t forgotten you, that I am still so proud of you, and that I will never pass up an opportunity to talk about you and use your name. But I want to talk to YOU. I didn’t want to be alone today like I was last year during Wave of Light so I spent this morning listening to my CD that K made full of friends sharing stories and memories of you. It helped me feel not alone.
When it ended, I wanted more of you. So I pulled up emails family and friends have sent that I have saved. Their stories and memories of you were typed instead of spoken. As I neared the end of the reading material I had, I just couldn’t stop crying. I knew they were ending. And with each one finishing, it was like the invisible crowd of friends with me in the room were leaving one by one, leaving me to cry with just God Himself for company. I know He was here with me this morning - is here with me this afternoon. What I told Him is that my heart is breaking and I miss you. I know He is big enough to handle that even while He is here comforting me, it is you that I want to hold.
I can talk to everyone and anyone about you and it feels good to do it. But all I really want is to be able to talk to you. I wish I could see you. Tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear like I do so often for your baby sister as she talks to me. Listen to you share your thoughts and ideas and fears with me like your big brother does all the day and night long. I wish I could look into your eyes and see you and give you my full attention the way I get to do with them sometimes. And I wish I could tell you back, “You know what though? Momma loves you and always will.”
We haven’t forgotten you, Abby girl. This year I have felt so sad this month. It’s not because of you - you are our joy and nothing to be sad about. It’s because this month is so busy. We have been invited to so many things - much of it not really optional - and it just feels like there’s no room for you this year. These people don’t know you or about you and others do but are just innocently involving us in their lives by including us on the invite list… and meanwhile I am watching the calendar fill up and feeling powerless to do anything about it. I just love you so much and your birthday is so important to me. To us! Theo has been talking at school about you and his best friend asked his mom if you’ll have a birthday party this year. They haven’t forgotten you.
It took me a long time this year to decide what I wanted to do for your birthday. I finally decided but I’m not sure when we will get to do it. Theo’s school scheduled a field trip on your birthday and even though Theo keeps saying he will skip it, I am afraid that he will end up being sad that he missed it and I don’t want him to blame you. How is it that you have been gone living in Heaven so long now and here I am suddenly trying to navigate potential sibling conflict between the two of you whether you are here or not?! 😂
Daddy hasn’t forgotten you either. He is feeling sad too. Your birthday is a holiday now. I wonder if you know that. Did Jesus tell you? Daddy’s work gives their employees a floating holiday off of work each year - they pick the day. Daddy picked your birthday. He may have to take a 2nd day off for your birthday this year too because of that field trip I mentioned.
There’s this park. I’ll have to look it up and see if we brought you. I know we went with Theo and with your baby sis when they were in the womb but I can’t remember if we brought you. It has a playground, a historic carousel, and a butterfly house all right next to each other in easy walking distance. I want to go, just the four of us, on your birthday. The weather is finally cooling down again and it should be a beautiful fall day. It shouldn’t be crowded in the middle of the work week. I think you would like it. I hope you would. I’ve never had a 4 year old girl before so all I can do is guess. I am thinking of bringing a craft to do at the picnic tables if we have extra time. I want to do something with leaves. I found this quote years ago that I think of every October now: “When Autumn leaves begin to fall, that’s when we miss you most of all.” And it’s true.
Do you know what happened this week that I just absolutely loved? I have been feeling guilty about not being more intentional sharing you with your baby sis. I hate that she has no memories of you and that she will her whole life have to learn about you from people who got to meet you before she was born. It’s not fair that you two had no time together. It’s not fair that you two can’t go split one of those Buy 10 things for $20 or whatever it is at Claire’s like me and my big sister used to do growing up. But we were at my chiropractor appointment this past Monday and my chiropractor is so sweet. She remembers everything we ever talk about and lets Theo and baby sis talk to her and listens and talks back to them. She asked S what she wants to be for Halloween. S didn’t want to talk about that although she did eventually say she is going to be a princess. Do you know though what she wanted to talk about?
She said with a sad face, “Squirrels eat my pun-kin.” I translated for my chiropractor, J. And we all said how sad that is that the squirrels started eating her pumpkin on the first day she got it. And then S said, “Abby birthday.” I was shocked. I don’t talk about you enough to S but without any prompting at all, your baby sis brought you up all by herself. J wanted to know how S was that day and S told her about the squirrels eating her pumpkin and about how her sister Abby’s birthday is coming up. She was thinking about you all on her own and wanted to talk about you.
Abby, we haven’t forgotten you. You are still very much a part of our family and every day life. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you how much I still love you. I read back when you were still here that grief is just love with no where to go. Maybe that’s why the grief seemed so small back then compared to now - my love had somewhere to go while you were here to carry and take care of. And now I have all this love that belongs to you…but no where for it to go.
Love is infinite. Someone could tell me to take this abundant love I have for you and give it to Theo and S. But it doesn’t work that way. I found another little girl with your same birthday this year and I tried it. I tried to give her some of that love - to bless her in some way. And I hope it did bless her but it didn’t fill that hole in my heart where you should be. It’s because God is love and God is infinite. He provides us with all of the love that we give each person and we do not have to borrow from another account where there is too much love to fill the account of a new acquaintance (or an old friend) who needs more love. God provides it in full to each person, generating more and more of it so that there is always more love.
I never thought of it this way but I guess this is just one more reason why I can have confidence that you live on. Because this bank of love for you keeps getting filled fuller and fuller, on and on. If God is love and God is infinite and He continues to provide all the love I have to give you, you must be infinite too. The Bible says He is the God of the living and to Him all are alive. You are alive, you are infinite and you are loved…
So I do have all this love for you, Abigail, with no where to go while we are separated. I will keep trying to give it to others even though I know it won’t deplete the bank account FULL of love that I have in your name. I just…well I already said it. I wish I could tell you today. That’s all. I just wish I could tell YOU.
I love you. I always will. And I miss you.
Love,
Momma
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