What would you give to get to go to camp again?
The year was 2007. I was in one of two church vans surrounded by other teenagers I didn’t know yet on my way to a life-changing experience that still impacts me to this day: my first time at camp. We were on our way to Tennessee and The Great Smoky Mountains.
Half-way through camp, very early on Wednesday morning, we rented bikes and rode the 11-mile loop through Cade’s Cove. It was breathtakingly beautiful. My new friend, B, who I had just met at school the past year, was my partner for the ride. We saw the sun rise over the mountains as we rode through the isolated valley, stopped to explore historic sites, marveled at the massive fields of wildflowers, and pointed out all the wild life to each other. In fact….it was a little too beautiful. And it was the moment that I realized I had superpowers.
Just checking to see if you’re paying attention! ;) Okay so I don’t have superpowers, but I did do something super cool completely on accident. As we were biking along admiring the scenery, one of us saw a herd of deer grazing and called out “Look! Deer!” I looked. And as I was looking, I ran into a parking curb. I proceeded to fly up and over the handlebars of my rented bike and stuck the landing! B laughed for a long time at the bewildered look on my face as I landed hard on my feet.
The friendships that were deepened and started during camp were an anchor for me all through the tumultuous high school years and many have stayed in contact to this day. The ability to get together with a group of my peers, have a ridiculous amount of fun, and explore our faith together was the privilege of a lifetime.
Keep reading to learn about how you can help us create new camp memories…
Fifteen years later, Michael and I were in St. Louis and on a date in Forest Park. It was hot and it was June which meant we were picnicking at the annual Shakespeare in the Park Festival. It was our first date after receiving the news that our unborn baby had a life-limiting diagnosis and would not be able to survive outside the womb.
We were reeling. We hadn’t yet been able to sit down together and talk about it without our two year old in tow. We could barely open our mouths and get any words out anyway. Mostly we’d just been weeping - for me it was non-stop, around the clock, headache inducing, dehydrating weeping. It was during this date that we began to discuss the unthinkable: our wishes for our baby girl’s burial. I told Michael that I wanted to bury her in wildflowers.
We got up to go check out the vendors and on our way up the hill we ran into three friends who went to camp with me all those years ago. We shared our news with them and they shared our shock and desperation, at a loss for words. Those friends who biked with me through fields of wildflowers in the Smoky Mountains - and so many new friends we have met in the fifteen years since that first camp - struggled with, prayed for, and supported us in every way you could think up over the next six months. You, readers, showed up for us in the most creative, beautiful, and life-giving ways.
Wildflower bouquets on our doorstep, chocolate chip cookies, “emergency” cups of coffee, anonymous donations, letters, ornaments, so many quilts and knitted blankets and hats, a surprise delivery of A Spoonful of Comfort, sitting in the waiting room for literal hours just so we wouldn’t have to sit alone, driving across the state just to babysit so we could go on a date, reading and commenting on the blog, tears, hugs, late nights, a pair of shoes for me to wear to the burial, a special song, heartbeat bears and whispered prayers. I could go on.
Your support, the love and example of a family who had “been there” twenty-six years before, and a powerful sermon on John 11 changed everything for me. While I was still in the second trimester with Abby, I began to experience an unexplainable joy that turned my mourning into literal dancing. I know that seems too impossible to be true, but I assure you it was and continues to be absolutely genuine. During that time we also became acquainted with a very special ministry called Abel Speaks.
These people we had never met took incredible care of us. For the past two years they have spent quite a bit of money pouring support and love into our family to celebrate Abigail Esme. Abel Speaks has a specific God-given mission to support families who have chosen to carry a child with a life-limiting diagnosis. Their slogan is “Support Changes Stories” and we have found this to be 100% true.
Let’s bring this home to today to a few new updates and my “ask” of you…
Today Abigail is a year and a half old and living in heaven. This past Spring I gave birth to Abby’s little sister - our very healthy rainbow baby. I faced grief in a whole new way carrying and delivering Abby’s baby sister. I was terrified that there would be a mythical “grief monster” hiding behind some corner waiting to pounce on me in my most vulnerable moments at the birthing center.
That fear was a heavy weight to carry for nine months. Despite that challenge, I continue to do very well and feel confident now that the unexplainable joy and peace I began to experience two years ago was not temporary. There is no grief monster. God continues to faithfully carry me. And I am thoroughly enjoying our new addition!
Michael continues to mourn differently and has been walking a dark road these past two years. He has found a safe place to explore his anger and grief in counseling and we all feel he is making progress. Slow progress, but progress none-the-less.
Theo, despite what so many people wanted to believe two years ago, remembers Abby. He just told me today that he doesn’t remember our vacation last year, but he does remember Abby’s birthday. He’s been going around telling everyone about his new baby sister who “we get to keep.” He tells them that he has another sister who had to go to Heaven to live with Jesus because she had a boo-boo on her head.
Abigail remains a part of our daily lives. Her little sister is a wonderful blessing - absolutely. But she is not Abigail and cannot magically cure our grief or fill the gap left in our family. Instead, we love them each for who they are as individuals. Part of allowing Abigail to continue to "speak" is sharing her story with her baby sister. We have an exciting opportunity to do just that - and so much more - next month!
This summer, because of Abel Speaks, we get to meet 37 other couples who have walked the same road we have. We will spend a long weekend with them celebrating our children together, sharing their stories, and enjoying time to rest and strengthen our marriages. In essence, we are getting a second chance at going to camp. But this time, our group of peers is far more niche than when we went as teenagers.
This will be the fourth ever Abel Speaks retreat and we are honored to be invited. This year is adults (and nursing infants) only, so Theo is looking forward to going to "Judd Camp" to play with his cousin and grandparents. I guess that means we're headed to "Abigail Camp" - we won't get to play with Abby but we will be playing because of her. We'll be adding one more amazing memory of joy to our journey with her and to her story.
We know Abel Speaks plans to shower us with more gifts, to make sure we see and hear Abigail’s name as much as possible, and to create an environment full of opportunities to worship with and connect with new friends. We’re sure there is far more they are doing to serve us and the other 37 families too and we are so thankful that they are providing us with this “camp” experience completely free to us. It is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and we are so excited.
Hopefully this year I won’t flip over the handlebars of a bike - I am much much less fit than I once was!!! But I know we will get to enjoy God’s creation and I’m hoping we will make some new friends. Who knows? My first camp introduced me to friends who have loved and supported me for the past nearly two decades. Maybe this trip will introduce us to new friends who we can support and who will continue to support us for the next two decades.
Would you consider a gift to Abel Speaks to help fund the 2024 Alumni Retreat? Abel Speaks is a non-profit ministry and depends on donations from people like you to serve families like ours. Thank you for considering this gift and please join us in asking the Lord to continue providing joy even in the midst of the sorrow.
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