I have been saving the details of Abigail’s birthday for this very important milestone. Today she turns one year old in heaven.
Over the last week I have meticulously scoured the hours of raw footage our videographer gave us noting the time on the clock above my hospital room door, messaged loved ones, looked up the medical notes in My Chart and reread written accounts of her birthday to put together this time-stamped birth story for you. It’s a long post but it’s Abigail’s story and it is SO worth telling.
I hope you will enjoy it today and marvel with me at how great our God is. I want to note that there were many more people present for this amazing day than will be mentioned and ask that those people know I remember them and their presence and support even though they didn’t make it into this version of the story.
Happy Birthday, Abby!
October 21st, 2022
I wake up to a text that two of our best friends, the Hs, boarded a plane at 5 am to come home from their Scotland vacation. It was fun to see their pictures and live vicariously through them but I am intensely relieved. I am ready to have them back and now I know they’ll be able to be here whenever Abby is born.
There are a lot of other people who may not be able to be here - I just found out our Pastor leaves next week to go defend his dissertation and there are a few others who have told me they’ve got important plans coming up. At least now I can count on the Hs being there.
9:15 am - RD drives me and Theo to my second-to-last appointment. She brings toys in her bag to entertain Theo while they wait for me.
I’m feeling fine but they did have to redo my pulse a couple times until they got a number they were satisfied with - 92. I chat with the intake nurse about our plans for Halloween costumes in the case that we make it all the way to November 1st - our induction date. Today I am 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant with Abigail.
In the brief appointment they use the Doppler to do a heartbeat check but I don’t get to hear - it’s not the kind that makes noise. They don’t tell me what her heart rate was but I later read in her chart that it was approximately 110 bpm. I have no idea if that’s accurate since that seems really low.
I talk to the doctor and resident about being irritated with allergies for the past week but sit on the table swinging my legs back and forth impatiently feeling this is all a waste of time. They keep asking if I have any questions.
“No, I don’t have any questions. I’m just waiting to go grocery shopping.” They then review AGAIN that Abigail will probably be stillborn due now to my having polyhydramnios. I walk out of that room wanting to flip everyone off.
On my way out of the building, I get stopped by someone who has come to know me a little due to my time visiting every other week this year. She tells me she knows I’m a person of faith and asks if I’d be willing to pray for her. Of course we stop right then and there to pray. It’s a year later and sometimes I still pray for her.
RD drives me and Theo to Schnucks and on the way I get a phone call from MW. I let her know I’ll call her back once we’re home. At Schnucks I get some more pull-ups for Theo and a couple of other quick grabs. I’m trying to hustle because I don’t want to waste any more of RD’s time. I’m power waddling past the bakery section when I start feeling cramping. I am also winded. I make a mental note that I need to do absolutely nothing the rest of the day. “I’ve officially hit my limit and it’s probably only around 10 am!” I think to myself.
Back at home I DoorDash some Chipotle for me and Theo and I’m watching him play in the kitchen while I sit on a stool and call MW back. I’m feeling stressed about those people who all have important plans that are taking them out of the city or keeping them from being able to travel soon. And I feel my body getting worked up about it. The contractions keep hitting me when I’m chatting and making me breathless. I’m also stressed by all the toys on the floor that I can’t reach. I’m worried I’ll trip and fall on one of them.
I get off the phone and go to sit on the couch to wait for our Chipotle and rest.
11:30 am - I download a contraction timer app. They’re 9 minutes apart.
We have our lunch and I start the process of putting Theo down for a nap while breathing through contractions. I’m thinking I might need to ask Michael to come home. I’m not sure if this is real labor or not because I’ve been having practice contractions all month. But it’s getting harder to take care of Theo while these are happening so I decide I’ll call Michael as soon as Theo is down.
We pray for Abby for our nap time prayer and then I go to fill up the tub and get a big hospital sized bottle of water to chug. I grab my Bible, journal, and phone and get in.
I message M just in case because she’s supposed to come take care of Theo if I go to the hospital. And I message Michael too. They both start looking at how far away they are and deciding whether they need to leave that moment or not. I don’t tell anyone else because I’m kind of expecting the bath and water-chugging trick to slow down these contractions and stop them just like it has all the practice ones the past month.
I feel a little frightened. So I turn on my Fog Music and start journaling and reading my Bible. God brings to mind the verse “Be still and know that I am God.” I can’t remember where in the Bible that is from so I look it up in the YouVersion app.
My search eventually leads me to the Exodus. When Moses is about to lead the people across the Red Sea, between the parted waves, God tells Moses to tell the people not to fear and to prepare to see His Wonders. I sense God saying to me that He is about to lead us through our own waters and it is time to tell people to expect to see His wonders again.
I call the Fetal Care Center and tell them what’s going on and ask at what point they want me to come in. Some places will have you wait until the contractions are a certain time apart or coming with a certain regularity for a certain amount of time. They tell me to come immediately.
I’m surprised but okay! So I tell Michael and M. Thankfully Michael is at a job that is easy to wrap up and leave to come home early.
After 1:00 pm - I text everyone who is out of town. Then I message the group message system and let everyone know I’ve been having contractions for 3 hours and MFM wants me to go in. I’m still worried they’ll turn me away and tell me it’s not real labor or that I’m not progressed enough to be admitted.
Meanwhile the Hs have landed in Chicago and gone back through customs. RH stops to go to the restroom and when she comes out KH is holding up his phone and shouting “MARCY IS IN LABOR.” They have a moment of panic because their next flight is getting delayed and they aren’t sure if they’ll make it. They have a gift for Abigail in one of their suitcases.
As I’m waiting for Michael to come get us, I have a Gospel song jump to mind “The Lord is my light and salvation. Whom shall I fear? Of whom shall I be afraid?” I can sing the whole song and I know it’s from Psalm 27 but I can’t find the song on iTunes Store so I text my worship pastor and ask for the name. He immediately texts back: Everlasting God by William Murphy.
I buy it, download it, add it to the playlist, and am letting it carry me through contractions as I wait for Michael to get home.
In Kansas City, Abby’s godmother, JL, is scrambling to get her children all situated with family and get across town to her husband so they can start the trek across the state with their newest little one in tow.
2:15 pm - Michael wakes Theo up early from his nap while I’m still in the bath. He gets Theo in the car and gets our hospital bags loaded up and then comes back for me. I’m trying to be very calm but I’m realizing as I walk to the car how incredibly low Abby is in my pelvis.
Still I make sure to stop in front of the house for a departing-for-the-hospital picture because we did that with Theo too. Michael takes the picture and then sees a neighbor down the street and asks me if he can run and go tell her where we’re going. It’s actually 100% adorable but I snap at him that I’m trying not to alarm him so I’m staying calm but we have to go NOW.
We were planning to drop by the library to grab a hotspot to bring with us but as I’m sitting in the car trying to get through contractions on the way there and feeling her so low, I realize we don’t have time. I tell Michael to drive straight to the hospital.
He lets me out at the main entrance and I sit to wait while he and Theo park in the parking garage. I watch new parents with their brand new babies get loaded into vehicles to go home for the first time, surrounded by happy grandparents and aunts and uncles. I mentally note that it doesn’t seem to bother me but I’m irritated that it’s taking Michael so long. I want to go get checked in so I can know whether they’ll let me stay or not. All I want is to get settled into a room so I can relax and go into my birthing headspace and focus on Abby.
M has pulled in at the same time apparently so she is waiting inside at the security desk with Theo when I come in. Michael brings a wheelchair for me but I refuse to get in it and tap my foot impatiently as I wait for the security guard to clear us. He’s going to see a lot of people tonight and neither of us realizes how many.
On the elevator ride up to the labor and delivery ward, I’m prepping Michael with all the things he needs to say to the check in desk for me. “I’ve called ahead so they should be expecting us but make sure to remind them we’re patients of the fetal care center and our baby has anencephaly.” Michael tries, bless his heart, but he ends up just sounding like a really excited new dad who doesn’t know what to say to the front desk.
They lead M, Theo, and Michael to a triage room way down the hall and hand me a cup to pee in. All I’ll say about that is it’s really hard to pee in a cup when you’re alone down a hall and having intense contractions. I come out of the bathroom slowly and am trying to make it down the hall but the contractions are so strong I can’t walk or talk or do anything. I’m gripping the handrail on the wall with a death grip and trying to breathe as a nurse down the hall is yelling at me “Ma’am. Ma’am! Are you okay?!”
All I can manage in response is to hold up a finger to her to wait just a minute. I want to yell at her “Are you an idiot? Is this not where you check to see if women are in labor? Can’t you tell I’m about to drop this baby on the ground?!”
3:20 pm - They’ve checked me and initially told me I’m dilated to a 5 but just half an hour later they tell us that was wrong and change their estimate to an 8. They’re nervous checking me because I threaten each one of them telling them they must be VERY CAREFUL not to artificially rupture my water. One of the only evidence based ways to help babies with anencephaly be born alive is to keep the water bag intact as long as possible.
The first girl is so nervous she gives up and asks a doctor to come check me. They say that my water bag is hanging so low they’re afraid to reach around it. But I’m definitely in labor and far progressed.
Sometime in the midst of all of this, M’s boyfriend JS arrives. We hear him on the other side of the triage door and a nurse isn’t sure if she should let him in. Just to expedite things I tell her that it’s okay “This is an uncle.” (They’ve since gotten married so we’re all good - Theo has always called M “Aunt M”).
As we are waiting for them to prepare a room, we give M&JS an envelope of cash and tell Theo he has a very important job. He is to go with Aunt M and Uncle JS and pick out cupcakes and balloons for his baby sister’s birthday party. His sister is going to be born today!
I message the group texting system: “This is it. Marcy is in active labor and is being admitted.”
3:56 pm - T, the Bereavement Nurse, stops by triage to wish us the best before going home for the weekend. We learn they’re prepping room #29 for us - the one we’ve been praying for. But the doctor on call tonight is not someone we have connected well with. The chances of this were likely as there are something like 14 doctors on the MFM team.
Michael jokes that everything is going well - now we just have to kidnap Dr. B! I take some deep breaths and in my heart I tell God I submit to Him. This timing is in His hands and if He wants this other doctor to be the one to deliver Abigail, it’s because it is what is best for Abby.
JS transfers Theo’s car seat down in the parking garage and carries up our hospital bags and then he and M take Theo to run those errands.
T&S arrive in the waiting room first and text us that they don’t want anything except to tell us they’re in the waiting room. It’s insanely comforting. Then our videographer arrives in our room shortly before our photographer.
We get settled into the room - the one with a great view of Forest Park and a huge labor tub and plenty of room for guests to stand later when we do the baby dedication. It takes a long while but I get hooked up for heartbeat monitoring and get settled on a birth ball.
Abby is so active that she’s kicking the nurse while she’s trying to get the monitor in the right spot. It’s hard to get the monitor settled because Abby won’t stop moving.
5:26 pm - KN arrives and sneaks past the nurses station. She offers to play body guard for us but we let her off the hook. I brought a detailed birth plan that explains what we want for labor, which people can come back and when, and also a bunch of different instructions for treatment for Abigail depending on what state she arrives in. JL knows my birth plan backwards and forwards so that if I hemorrhage - which they’re saying I am at an increased risk for - and Michael is overwhelmed she can make sure my desires are followed by the medical team. I know she is on her way and in the meantime I’m sure the nurses will take care of bodyguard duty.
I explain to the nurse that we want continuous heartbeat monitoring. I want to be able to hear her heartbeat. I want to be with her in every way I can this whole time - meaning I want to know if we lose her. And if we lose her, I’ll probably get an epidural. But otherwise I am going to do this naturally because I believe it will keep labor easiest and quickest for her and because it will allow me to be fully mentally present when she arrives.
We finally get the heartbeat monitor settled and we start playing Five Crowns and turn my music on. I try to fight it but they keep insisting so I get my just-in-case IV port placed.
5:45 pm - Dr. B arrives. Michael tells her about his kidnapping joke but she just smiles and says “it all worked out didn’t it” and that it was just an extra shift she just happened to pick up “just because.” She tells us she’ll be here for the whole night and that she has Abigail’s name announcement on her fridge at home. She says she is looking forward to meeting her and that I look good for someone dilated to an 8.
I tell her that the contractions seem to have slowed down since I sat on the birthing ball. The nurse shows me the paper the monitor machine is spitting out. I’m having contractions every 3-7 minutes but I’m only feeling every 7 minutes.
The sun begins to set.
6:12 pm - My mom and sister arrive and sneak past the nurses station. After they say hi and are sent out to the waiting room, they end up in a separate little room all alone. It doesn't take long before my sister realizes there must be other people waiting and therefore another waiting room.
There is and it is starting to fill up with friends from church. There’s only one other family waiting in there that isn’t part of our group. People keep reporting that the security guards are astounded by how many people are here for the Judds.
The sun has set.
6:58 pm - B arrives with snacks I don’t end up taking advantage of but a pony tail holder I will very much appreciate later, a calming presence, and the words of truth I need to keep me calm and trusting in Jesus. She has done some of my birth class with me and knows exactly how to count me through contractions. I tell everyone she is my best friend and my unofficial doula. But for real she’s my doula.
She spends the rest of the night keeping me hydrated, bringing tissues for my never ceasing runny nose, calmly telling me contractions are almost over and I’m doing so well, exaggerating how serene my face looks, putting slippers on my feet, and helping me walk back and forth from the bathroom.
I call M and ask her to bring Theo back so I can say goodnight. She says BC arrived awhile ago and bought new toys for Theo. Theo stays in the room for a few minutes with us and plays with my birthing ball, mixes up the cards, and eats my snacks. We say goodnight to him before he leaves to have a bedtime and explain to him that Aunt M will wake him up when it’s time to come back to meet his baby sister. He’ll get to wear his pajamas to the hospital, I say.
This is the first time I’ve been back on my feet longer than making a quick trip to the restroom and I can feel it having a positive impact on my progress. So I stay on my feet a while longer.
A couple of exits away, Michael’s family is focused on getting to the hospital all the way from Kansas City as fast as they can. One of their cars is suddenly hit by a giant mass of concrete someone threw from the bridge they are driving under. But by the time they make it to the parking garage they’ve completely forgotten because they’re all so focused on getting here before Abby is born. They get settled in the waiting room and introductions are being made as there is now quite a crowd. The entire waiting room is now our people.
My brother and sister-in-law are bonding with my sister over their alma mater, people are sharing where they’re from, spontaneous prayers are breaking out and while everyone has a range of emotions, there is an atmosphere of joy and anticipation through it all.
7:17 pm - Pastor C comes back to pray and then stays with us. I’m still standing and using hot packs on my back. The nurse raids T’s office and brings us a bag full of snacks. We all laugh because although she assures us the bag was meant for us, it totally sounds like she just broke in and stole them since T is gone for the weekend.
Michael and D, our videographer, get most of the keepsakes and things I brought laid out on a counter and I sit back on the birthing ball.
7:27 pm - Nurse Shift Change
Dr. B comes to check on me. I tell her contractions had been pretty intense while I was standing. So I want a break from that and then plan to go on a walk.
I teach Pastor C and B how to play Five Crowns. I really want to just sit on that ball and play the game but there have been so many interruptions and people to talk to and we keep having to readjust Abby’s heart rate monitor so we aren’t even through round 5 yet - which is as far as we got when Michael and I played while I was in labor with Theo. It’s okay though - even though I am annoyed it does seem that time is just speeding by.
Dinner arrives and I don’t eat any of it. But Michael does. I just don’t have any appetite.
Then we lose her heartbeat on the monitor. The new nurse tries to get it back on the monitor but this time we can’t get it. For three of the longest minutes of my life we are all completely silent as she tries to get Abby’s heartbeat and can only find mine. Then finally the huge sob of relief at finding it again. 142 bpm. She’s okay.
8:10 pm - Directly after that misadventure, Michael and B put the cards away. We send Pastor C away to go to the waiting room where everyone has been so patient. I’ve been sitting on that birth ball so long not using any of my strategies to make labor progress because I’ve been waiting for everyone to arrive. But I’ve seen the clock and I know it’s getting late. So I go on a walk of the halls.
8:22 pm - it’s a short walk. I come back to pee. Pastor C is back and he has a gift from the Hs. They made it!
Michael is looking at it and exclaiming how beautiful it is and asking if I want to see it but I’m bent over the bed sobbing with relief that they made it just as a contraction hits me and I have to breathe.
The gift is called a quaich - it’s an ancient Scottish ceremonial drinking glass that has become a traditional christening gift.
8:34 pm - Dr. B does a cervical check after a quick ultrasound confirming Abigail’s heart rate is absolutely perfect. I see her moving around on the screen for the last time.
Dr. B says there is no more cervix and it is up to me what we do next. She says it’s safe to push now but she can see me visibly trying not to burst into tears. JL isn’t here yet and I’m terrified we’ll lose Abby in the pushing stage. I can’t get any of that out but Dr. B says what matters. In summary: “The pregnancy is ending and you want to keep her with you for as long as possible. You have been so strong and brave. She is tolerating labor really well and right now our goal of having a live birth is very much still a possibility. If you want to keep waiting until your body says it’s time to push, that’s okay. Your body will tell you when it’s time.”
I can hear the bath filling and I ask to get in it and for B to call JL to see if she’s almost here.
As I am walking to the tub, somewhere southeast of us my friend T is walking to her tub at home. She is sick and can’t be at the hospital tonight but her heart is burdened for us. She says goodnight to her kids and decides to take a prayer bath for me. She and I get in the bath at the same time for the same amount of time and she prays and worships the whole time.
I message everyone on the group text saying that the doctor has told me I can push but that I’m not ready. The group in the waiting room huddles to pray.
Michael and our photographer set up twinkle lights around the arms of the hospital bed and the nurses set the room up for delivery while I am in the bath. It helps with the pain SO much.
D is videoing and encouraging me. B gives me that pony tail holder I mentioned earlier and sits on the ground on the other side of the tub and starts to speak truth to me. This is the reason I wanted her here. She will lead me out of fear and back to Jesus every time.
She tells me what I know is true: God has been with me this whole time. He has been working and He is not done yet. He has answered so many prayers - for little things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of the universe. I’ve got the room we wanted. The doctor we wanted. The support team we wanted with the perfect videographer and photographer. He isn’t finished yet. He knows what my mind and heart want. And He is good.
D and B get me talking and AJ comes up. She is a brand new friend but she has been reading the blog and dropping off the most thoughtful gifts on my doorstep without asking for anything - even friendship - in return. Cookie dough, personalized affirmation cards, a little crown to use as a focal point…
I am emotionally stable again and now I’m just chanting in my mind through contractions “just hold on until JL gets here. She’s almost here.”
It feels like a long break in the bath to me but it isn’t long at all in reality before I tell Michael and the nurse that I am trying hard not to push but I can’t stop my body. The contractions become HUGELY intense and the pressure is so much it’s lifting me up off the bottom of the tub. I’m gripping the handles built into the tub and my body is twisting involuntarily.
It is so painful and I jokingly say to the nurse "I guess it's too late for that epidural, huh?" She tells me I can have it if I can sit still but I tell them if another contraction happens like that I won’t be able to stop myself from pushing. She’s going to come out and I can’t stop her. But I’m afraid and I don’t want to lose her.
I've felt her moving almost this whole evening and now I feel one final HUGE kick right under my ribs on the right side. A year later I can still feel the phantom of that kick and the imprint of her foot and I think of that spot on my body as Abby's spot. I try to hold her in but I have to breathe to get through contractions and I can’t breathe and hold her in at the same time. Michael and the nurse want me out of the tub but I can’t move or talk to do anything when the contractions are coming.
I finally manage to tell Michael - and myself really - through tears “Anytime she decides to come is a good time.”
He says to me “You love her more than anyone else. You are her momma for a reason.”
I start to try to move.
9:12 pm - Down in the parking garage, JL pulls up to the ticket machine. JL jumps out of the car, leaving it running with AL and their youngest baby in it, and starts to run. Up in our room in the tub at that very same minute, my water breaks.
Immediately after it breaks I catch a brief break in contractions and we all move while I can. I step out of the tub and then another one comes. I can feel her crowning. Michael and the nurse are holding me up, worried I’ll fall. I’m telling them to get me down on the ground and in my head I’m yelling “I am not giving birth on my feet like an Amazon woman!”
JL and another friend get in the elevator at the same time and ride it up together as I get down on my hands and knees and start to push - right there in the doorway of the bathroom.
Dr. B ninjas her way into the bathroom and is the only one in there with Michael preparing to catch Abby. Michael is PUMPED. He’s in there kicking his shoes off, rolling up his sleeves and saying to himself “Let’s do this!”
9:15 pm - I barely push and Dr. B is saying I just need one more to get her shoulders out. She gives us a little help and Abby is born! Now that it’s done, I finally ask “Is she alive?”
Abby hasn’t made a sound.
Dr. B is feeling for a pulse and a nurse is rubbing Abby’s chest with a blanket hard. Then the words: “Yes, she’s alive.“
The whole room bursts into beautiful joy and relief and I feel the weight of months of fear and pain and exhaustion instantaneously drop off of me to be replaced with perfect inexplicable peace.
Michael holds her first and they make the sweetest eye contact. She sees her Daddy. And then I’m asking to hold her and she is passed to me. We are still connected by the cord but I hold her on my chest and tell her how incredibly proud I am of her “You did it!”
JL walks in the room just as I hand Abby to Michael, B and a nurse help me stand up, and I have the most awkward walk of my whole life to the hospital bed, still connected by the cord.
9:23 pm - We are in bed doing skin to skin. Michael cuts the cord and then beckons JL over. I realize Abby isn’t moving and I ask for a doctor. The pediatrician checks: she still has a heartbeat - 80 bpm. A thrill of joy goes through the whole room.
I hold her to me as we wait for someone to bring a bandage for her head. I want Theo to come in and meet her as soon as possible but we want to cover her head first. While I’m holding her we’re all just looking at her and Michael points out that he can see her little tongue moving - it’s sticking out between her lips just like in her ultrasound photo.
And then there is a moment where her eyes move and I can feel her in every sense making eye contact with me. And I know she sees me and knows I love her.
Abby’s head is bandaged and we put a little hat on her - it’s the only one that fits out of all the ones we brought. It’s green - her color and the color for anencephaly awareness - but unfortunately it makes her skin look more purple in the pictures than it actually was in real life. She had completely normal newborn coloring.
Theo comes in to meet Abby. We give her her blankey and Theo gets the duplicate. Tonight they will sleep with them. Eventually when we have to bury her, we will switch them and someday if he wants it, Theo can have her blankey and we will make sure he knows we buried her with the one he cuddled.
He is looking at everyone - the room is full of medical people and the clicking cameras and he’s just been woken up and taken from his bed to the hospital. He kind of looks at Abby but he is frozen looking at all the strangers and can’t really interact.
9:36 pm - She gets swaddled in the special wildflower swaddle we bought for her while I get my gown back on. It’s time for some family photos.
9:41 pm - Dr. B and I are trying to get the placenta out while JL holds Abigail because Michael is holding Theo. But a little of the placenta is still attached inside. Michael hands Theo off to M and then takes Abigail from JL.
9:45 pm - after another check - she still has a heartbeat - we send B to get everyone for the Baby Dedication. The pediatrician says Abby seems quite comfortable. I haven’t delivered the placenta yet but I insist we need to get everyone in now while she still has a heartbeat.
I ask for Tylenol and Michael asks what to do with the anointing oil from our friend NB. I realize instantly that (a) I forgot to bring a dish or something to use to mix the oil with water but (b) God did not forget and we now have a perfectly good, new quaich to use.
9:50 pm - Everyone comes in. Twenty-four of our friends and family have come to witness this sacred event. Four more are in their cars and will be vital support to us over the next couple of days. Many more have opted in to the text thread and are praying and following along from home, waiting for more updates.
Michael brings Abby around to meet everyone and tells her who everyone is that has come to meet her.
9:54 pm - Pastor C begins the Baby Dedication and Michael hands her back to me.
An excerpt from Psalm 139 is read. Michael and I take vows to trust in Jesus and in the Christian hope that God has purpose for Abigail, to pursue each other in our marriage, and to lean into our brothers and sister in Jesus. The whole room rings as everyone vows in unison to continue to support us and our family.
9:57 pm - Pastor C anoints Abigail, me, and Michael and leads the room in prayer. Several people later reflect that the smell of frankincense has filled the whole room.
AL reads his charge and blessing over Abigail as her Godfather and there isn’t a dry eye in the room.
I anoint Abigail saying, “You are my daughter, whom I love”
We all sing “Happy Birthday to You” and everyone grabs tissues.
10:03 pm - Michael sends everyone out to eat cupcakes so I can have privacy to deliver the placenta. I am worried everyone is just going to go out there and be sad so I ask someone on their way out to make sure there’s a celebration out there. AL holds her for a second and we take her hat off.
A few people are shepherding the group back to the waiting room and the nursing staff says to them "Have a good night." Two of our friends turn to each other and grin "It's like they don't even know us at all." Back in the waiting room no one leaves and a birthday party starts. It's slow to get started at first but Theo makes sure it's done properly. There's nothing quite like a 2 year old big brother with some sugar up past his bedtime to make sure a party is done right!
10:04 pm - Michael spends some time holding her and talking to her while I deliver the placenta. Then it’s time for the pediatrician check up - they check her heart beat again and let her bask in the heat of the warmer. Later when I ask, the nurse assures me that she was breathing easy and quite comfortable the whole time. Michael keeps talking to her and touching her so she knows she is not alone.
10:12 pm - She’s still in the warmer and Michael has her in his hands the whole time except for a split second when he has to let go to get an accurate read on her weight. 3 lbs 11 oz. She doesn’t look that weight though - she’s long with long arms like her Daddy. Everything from the tip of her nose down looks completely normal for a newborn baby. It’s the weight missing from her skull and brain that is throwing her weight off. She was estimated on ultrasound to be almost 6 lbs and probably would have been that or a little more if not for the anencephaly.
B and Michael try to get some impressions of her hands in clay but aren’t making much progress. We get her hat back on so Theo can come back in.
10:20 pm - Theo comes back in to see Abby again before he has to go back home. He looks at her intently this time and leans in. I have them both given to me so I can hold both my babies and it is one of the happiest moments of my life.
Theo points out that she’s dirty and needs a bath - more than once. It really bothers him! He points out her hand and says he wants to hold it. He points out the strawberry on her hat and asks if she wants to eat it. He keeps talking about how she’s dirty. We ask if he wants to tell her anything and he tells her that he saw cats today. He talks to her about trucks and then he says he wants to go away.
After Theo gets up her color really darkens. He asks M to take him to go have another cupcake. I point out her color and ask for the pediatrician to come check for a heartbeat.
10:29 pm - after a long minute of listening, the pediatrician gently says “Her time here is up. She has passed away.”
Michael asks what time it is and then cries before asking to have her back to hold. We have a brief moment alone - everyone else in the room has gone back behind a curtain and is crying with us. But it doesn’t last long. We can still feel a peace in the room that can only be from the presence of God.
I ask to do as many memory making activities as possible before Abby gets too stiff. JL hugs me and then asks me to tell the birth story while Michael and B get all the clay impressions for Cowtown Clay’s shadow box that Abel Speaks has paid for.
A nurse helps us get ink prints.
JS brings back cupcakes for us and I get a hazelnut one and ask someone to split it with me. B is bragging to JL about how well I did and puts our mother/daughter bracelets on us.
10:49 pm - Michael and the nurse have transitioned from taking a bunch of ink footprints to handprints. I ask Michael if he’s okay. He says “I will be. I wanted to dance with her.” And I talk about how the Bible says there are infants in heaven and whether she is one of them or all grown up when we finally get there to see her again, he WILL dance with her. It’s only a matter of time. But I know what he means and I tell him I’m sure there will be a lot of things like that.
10:50 pm - AB arrives. Ink prints finish, they measure her length - 16.5 inches - and Abby gets a diaper. It has Pooh Bear and Piglet on it.
I message the group texting system one last time “Abigail Esme Judd was born alive at 9:15 pm. She was with us for an hour and 15 minutes before going Home in the arms of Jesus. She is at complete peace and Jesus has filled this room with joy and peace too. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.”
11:19 pm - A nurse and B get slippers on me and help me walk to the bathroom.
JL holds Abby again as the bed sheets get changed
11:24 pm - I get Abby back. JL gets her arm out so we can switch her bracelet to a less inky hand and get pictures of our wrists with the bracelets on together.
I ask for a cough drop.
I realize Michael has been gone awhile and I’m worried he went somewhere to cry alone. I ask AB to find him but he’s just out in the waiting room updating everyone. I reswaddle her.
11:41 pm - Michael returns. He says my family, his family, and the Hs were still out there. He gave sugar cookies to the nursing staff.
We unwrap her feet again to do a picture with our wedding rings. We get pictures of her footprint on Psalm 139 in her Bible.
11:51 pm - the nurse brings the cuddle cot in and I say that I need some sleep. After last shots of her laying at rest in the cuddle cot, the photographer and videographer and everyone else leaves.
B takes the clay impressions home to her parents’ house to bake and stays up really late.
Michael feels strongly that he needs to eat a cupcake while it’s still Abby’s birthday so he downs a whole Jilly’s cupcake and ends up regretting it later when he feels sugar sick.
I have Michael move the cuddle cot to the other side of my hospital bed so she can rest between us on the side of my bed with the twinkle lights still blinking in the dark. I close her eyelids and make sure her swaddle is nice and tight. I lay her bear and her blankey in the cot with her and ask a nurse for some melatonin.
The room is a calm, cozy dark and I feel so at peace. More at peace than ever before in my whole life. It feels as if the Spirit of God is tangibly in the room. As if heaven and earth have somehow overlapped to fill the whole room.
I think that while I didn’t see anything unusual, Heaven must have opened up and Jesus and His angels must have been in the room with us - a great cloud of witnesses - during her baby dedication. They must have come to personally escort her Home and I think what an honor that is and that this night I have had the privilege of delivering a Princess and Saint to Heaven.
I never end up sleeping but I lay in silent vigil that night talking to our good Creator, crafting Abby’s Happy Birthday post for the blog, and meditating on His goodness, His love, this peace, and His perfect timing.
It was a good, good day and night. One of the best of my entire life.
Happy Birthday, my Sweet Abby Girl. Thank you for letting me be your momma.
You all are in my prayers, this is such a beautifully written post. Happy heavenly birthday sweet angel Abigail, I remember it like it was yesterday. ❤️