Abigail's Baby Dedication

Today is my little girl's half-birthday. She turns 6 months old in heaven today.

Abby's Godfather wrote the most beautiful prayer/charge to her that he spoke over her at her baby dedication. It is the number one thing others ask me to share and so today to mark her 6 month birthday I wanted to post it here. Afterward I'll share some updates and a few requests.

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"Abigail Esme, Delight of the Father, loved. You are truly loved. We honor you, Abigail, and recognize your dignity & value as an image-bearer & daughter of the King of all creation. You have led a beautiful life, and we thank you for all the good you have done. The Lord has used you to bring so much joy into our lives, and to make love abound in our hearts. Through your life the Lord has knitted us together, making us closer to one another & drawing us closer to you. We are grateful for your life, and encouraged by the Lord's work through you. Father God, King of all creation, we call upon your name and ask you to fulfill your promise and work all things for the good of those who love you. Father, please bring about Abigail's greatest good and our greatest good in this time. Work, good Father, in your wisdom & in your timing. Even when we do not understand, we trust you. Abigail, I charge you to find peace & comfort in the arms of your great Father, but I also charge you to know that here too you are wanted, cherished, & fiercely loved. We love you, and we want to keep you, but we know you go to the One who loves you more than we ever could. Go in peace when He calls you home. We look forward with hope & joy, even as we say goodbye, we look forward to the day when we will meet again - to a day without tears & a world without brokenness. This world is so very broken, but we know this is not the end of the story. May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. May God be gracious to you, and bless you, & make His face to shine upon you. Amen."

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Updates & A Few New-to-the-Blog Memories:

Recently we received a phenomenal gift: our friends recorded memories and thoughts about Abigail and wrote a song for her. I loved hearing about things that happened surrounding Abigail that I hadn't known about before - like what was going on in the waiting room as I was back in the delivery room and how the Spirit would move multiple people at once to pray.

That reminded me of how I later learned that one of my dear friends who was unable to come because she was sick decided to get in the bath and pray over me - at the exact time that I was also coming to the end of labor and climbing into the tub. The doctor had told me it was time and I could start to push but I was terrified that I would lose her and needed more time to recenter myself around trust instead of fear. My friend took a prayer bath for me that started at the exact same time that I also went to the bath to try to cope with the end of my labor. We were in the bath at the same time for almost the same amount of time, seeking the Lord.

I've also enjoyed hearing the personal thoughts others have been having as they have processed Abigail and faith and Jesus. I continue to just be amazed at how God has worked through her life.

One of the things C reflected on in the recordings was how God brought His people together in her baby dedication. Our friend N in Florida brought the anointing oil. The smell of the hyssop spreading throughout the room is one of the things people kept bringing up unprompted (as well as the undeniable atmosphere of peace). Our friends K&R brought the quaich from Scotland for a dedication gift (like they literally boarded a plane home early that morning and made it to the hospital just in time - there are a few exciting stories of people trying to get there in time but that one definitely wins the cake). We hadn't thought of a container to hold the anointing oil but when the quaich was brought back as Abby was being born, it suddenly all clicked together. Of course. We'll just use this!

The Quaich is "the traditional toasting cup of welcome in Scotland or even good wishes upon farewell or parting."

Abby's Godfather drove across the state with the prayer that you read above - in his case literally arriving with his wife just in time. So many of you rallied together to make hats - people I've never even met! Another friend brought toys to the hospital to entertain Theo. And on and on the way that God brought us all together around Abigail. His Joy.

Updates: Abby in 2023

I was nervous about starting 2023 without Abigail. 2022 was her year and I hated the idea of going into a year without her. Thankfully, she is still a part of our lives and our family.

I received a ring in time for my 30th birthday in January - it contains the rose petals we used in her bath to prepare her for burial. I bought it for myself from Petals & Keepsakes. Unfortunately the gold on the band is already starting to wear off but I still love it very much.

February had several hard moments. Especially around Valentine's - when we found out last year that we were pregnant. We did get back our Cowtown Clay shadowbox and it is just perfect. It's now on a gallery wall along with two portraits of her and a canvas that says "and by faith Abigail still speaks - Hebrews 11:4 -" I personally found the holiday season all the way through my birthday to be quite comfortable. Since February however, I've had more hard moments as far as missing Abigail is concerned.

Part of that could be the stereotypical grief thing - the thing where there's always a flood of support immediately after a loss (or in our case during the pregnancy) that dissipates as time goes on. Maybe. I think for me it's not that though.

I miss the heightened sense of purpose that carrying Abigail gave me. I felt so honored to carry her. Now that I don't have her to cherish and protect, I am missing that rush of intensified purpose that comes from having a short-term, focused time of mission.

I also think it's been harder because now that the holiday season is well and truly over, we're less busy and there is less to look forward to. And finally it's more difficult now because Michael and I are still grieving differently. There's no "right" way to grieve the loss of a child and I have to remind myself of that often. I'm still mostly good with some crying moments. Michael is still mostly angry.

It was March when we received Abby's CD. I got her special candle out and lit it and got out her swaddle blankets and warmed up her bear and sat and listened through that whole CD the same night they delivered it to us. I cried happy tears at the blessing of having one more special moment with my darling girl. Thank you, Friends. <3

Abigail's song was written around the sound of her heartbeat and sounds like windchimes and twirling through a valley of wildflowers

Others may feel that everything that happened with Abigail was so long ago now and may have moved on. But we wake up every day and still see her birthday balloons floating in our room - right over where she laid in her cradle. These are the birthday balloons Theo picked out for her that were there in the hospital when she was born - they really are still floating! :)

Theo is looking more grown up now with his 3rd birthday swiftly approaching. I find myself in a strange place...almost frozen. Somehow it feels like I'm actually back in the winter still, laying that wreath on her grave on Christmas Eve before the year changed, and the rest of me is somehow up here in the current day trying to keep up with April and 2023. But I've been trying to stay up-to-date this year with creating my annual family photo book so I'm constantly looking at pictures of Theodore. I can see the changes happening in him - he looks so much older already just compared to his pictures from January - and so I know that time is really passing. My mind and my body aren't all in the same place. It's an odd sensation that I don't reflect on very often but am experiencing all the same.

Request: Write Her Name & Take a Picture on Your Travels

I won't be able to write much about what Abigail has been up to in 2023 when I send out our Christmas letter at the end of the year. Long-distance calls between us are just not possible. So I want to ask for your help filling up Abby's section of the Judd Family Christmas Card using an idea shared with us through my support group: This summer and throughout the year as you go on adventures around the world, would you take a picture of Abigail's name written in the sand, snow, shores etc wherever you travel? Share those pictures with us and the location where you took them and we will include them in our Christmas letter. Take her memory with you, keep it alive for us, and tell us all the places Abigail Esme goes this year.

Abby at the Nature Playscape in Forest Park, St. Louis, Missouri

The next thing we have to look forward to concerning Abigail is coming up the first weekend of May. International Bereaved Mother's Day is always the weekend before Mother's Day. Did you know that? I didn't until last year. It started in Australia in 2010 and has spread around the world - it's a time to recognize the mothers who are often unrecognized the next weekend on Mother's Day. You cannot see our children and they will not make us cute little hand print crafts or sing us a song on our church stage or smile for a picture to put on our fridge, but we are still mothers.

This year, International Bereaved Mother's Day is on May 7th, 2023. Our family has been invited to attend a Remembrance Service in honor of Abigail hosted by her hospital. I am excited. It has meant so much to me to receive that invitation.

I am so blessed to have a community around me that makes sure that I know I am not alone and Abigail is not forgotten. Abel Speaks's slogan is "support changes stories" and it is so true. I have read the stories of so many other women who have been through what I have and even been religious but their stories are drastically different and darker. Your support has changed our story. Thank you for being people who put their faith in Jesus into action and show up to be His hands and His feet. <3