July 31, 2022
My streak of good day followed by good day officially ended this week. I got 3 good weeks in a row. This week was bad.
Last Sunday at some point while Michael was out I pulled up the church app and just scrolled through upcoming events. I didn’t expect to see but was completely surprised by the baby dedication registrations for this fall. For some God forsaken reason there are TWO this fall. TWO! This would be the * year…
September 18th and October 30th. I mean COME ON. Seriously?! Seeing that sent me into a huge spiral. Because she’ll be born, most likely, in exactly that time frame. And it’s not like I just have to get through one of them. I’ll have to get through them both. Both most likely within a month of her birth and death.
I just… I can’t handle this. Is this for real!?
The first one will be at 34 w + 6 days. The second one will be the first Sunday after her due date. That one is just taunting me.
Because all I can keep thinking is “if she can just make it one week…just one week!” And I know I can’t afford to think those thoughts! Because a still birth is still our most likely scenario.
Then Monday we had my glucose screening and her heartbeat check. Her heartbeat was a strong 138 bpm. I failed the glucose screening.
I knew I wouldn't pass but I’d also started to really think I could pass. I’d been praying for God to spare us this time. It's unrealistic. All the risk factors seem to be there for me but I really wanted just one thing to be easy about this pregnancy. Now I feel like we should all just take bets on when I'm going to start losing my vision. Might as well. Because obviously I'm not going to get any mercy here. I get all the hard stuff I went through for Theo but this time I don't even get to keep Abigail. It's for nothing.
I shouldn't think like that. I know it's not totally true. I know God has and will continue to use this for good. But right now I'm so pissed off and depressed. It's not fair! It's so * hard to get pregnant. We tried so hard! I'm trying so hard here! And being pregnant is the worst - second only to sleep deprivation.
With Theo I could keep telling myself that it would be worth it. I wasn't even sure I believed it. I wasn't even ready for him to arrive until exactly 2 weeks before he came. But all the other moms in history seemed to think it was worth it. So I kept telling myself it would be worth it. And besides, I thought there's nothing you can do but get through it and hope it really will be worth it.
This time when the nausea started and the all day vomiting, I knew it's worth it. I was already so ready for my baby to arrive. Because I've done this before. I could honestly say when people asked how I was doing, "I'm absolutely miserable but I'm happy about it."
And then D-Day came. And I was told it's not going to be worth it. I only lost 16 lbs this time. With Theo it was 25 and I was admitted to the Women's Eval Unit at the hospital to stabilize the hyperemesis. This time we kept it from getting that bad with a sleugh of different meds but I kept thinking it actually felt more severe.
And it was all for nothing! I don't even get to keep her. At least I only threw up for a couple more weeks after D-Day. I seriously wonder if my answer to the abortion question would have changed if we'd found out in March when I knew I still had 8+ weeks of hyperemesis ahead of me (I thought it would go away by week 18 because that's when it did for Theo and mostly I was right).
And now I have to stab myself 4 times a day and eat vegetables all the * time and be miserable not having the foods I love...for what?! What is the point?! No matter what I do, I'm going to lose her. She's not going to get too big - she was only measuring 1 lb 5 oz at the last ultrasound. She's not going to be at risk for developing diabetes later in life because she'll be completely whole and healed in heaven. And they're telling me she's most likely going to be a stillborn baby no matter what I do. So... what's the * point?!
I've been miserable all week. So so unhappy. I told the nurse coordinator I'm not doing the 3 hour glucose test. What's the point? We all know I'm going to fail it anyway. It's just another lab bill, another inconvenience having Michael not get paid so he can watch Theo or having to find WHO in the world has that kind of time on a work day to watch Theo... NO. I'm not doing it. I told her I still have all the stuff I need to track my blood sugar. Just order me some new test strips and let's just move on.
She said to track my blood sugar for a couple of weeks and text her my numbers. If they look good I won't be diagnosed and they won't make me keep tracking.
So for most of last week I had this huge weight on me. With Theo my GDM was completely diet controlled. In fact, we became almost completely convinced I didn't have GDM because I could eat something ridiculous and have great numbers, but if I was having a stressful day teaching, even if I'd eaten healthy my numbers would go up. So we became convinced it was all linked to stress for me.
So the weight I carried most of this week was that if I could just eat the GDM diet and keep my numbers perfect, I'd be off the hook. But I couldn't remember what my go-to meals were last time. So each lunch and dinner I would start stressing like an hour and a half early thinking, "What am I going to eat?! What am I going to eat?!" And I couldn't think of anything!
So my mealtime would come and go, I could feel my blood sugar dropping, but I couldn't think what to eat to fix it and I'd just fall apart emotionally because I'm so * exhausted and now I was starving.
I did spend about $30 getting some food on Tuesday that I thought I could eat this past week. But I forgot sweet potatoes count as a carb and the whole wheat triskets and hummus that I thought would be a healthy snack have actually wreaked havoc on my numbers. So I've been discouraged about that too. Because tomorrow is the 1st and we are going to have to move money to pay rent and I knew it would be like this a week ago. So I knew most of the food at home was a "no" for me but I was also out of grocery money for the week/month.
Then Tuesday evening we realized our basement had flooded in Monday night's storm. We hadn't even bothered to check. We've had flooding in our area before but our basement has always been fine. Not one problem in almost 5 years. Our downstairs neighbor had checked though and called the landlord. It had flooded. When our landlord arrived he said there was a foot and a half of water down there.
So Michael worked really late (for him) and then came home and was down there all evening trying to salvage our stuff. Bad Day #3 for me and I didn't even get a Theo break or get to spend time with Michael.
We lost the bubble machine, the electric coffee carafe, all of Michael's files with some of his drawings and a book I gave him for Valentine's Day this year with my positive pregnancy test, our tent and some other camping stuff, the baby bassinet my nieces and Theo all slept in, some Christmas lights and extension cords, and worst of all our Christmas tree. We spent so much money on this dream tree and only got to use it twice.
None of this has bothered me nearly as much as losing time with Michael this week that I desperately needed. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Michael also worked late. He needs to keep working overtime to catch us up financially. He made less than we needed because he's going to all the appointments with me. And I need him at those so the overtime other days just has to happen.
He's exhausted too. So I wasn't upset with him for overtime. And I'm never going to ask him to skip man cave on Wednesday night but I did pray that he would volunteer to skip. I was in tears most of the evening - from sheer exhaustion and hunger and Abigail - and I just prayed, "God I can't ask him to skip. I know he needs this. I want him to go. But I desperately need him tonight. Please let him choose me."
He cooked dinner for me and Theo, gave me a kiss, and left. And I couldn't be upset with him for it but at the same time I was crushed.
Thursday I got up and I tried. I tried so hard. Theo basically watched TV all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I barely played with him. I wanted to be better but I was so miserable. But I really tried Thursday. I took him to Tilles Park and he was having fun but it was so hot. I made him play in the splash pad with me because he looked so overheated but he really just wanted to play on the playground. We were there maybe an hour when I made us leave because I was so hot. He had a good attitude but I could tell he was sad. He just kept asking Mommy to play with him.
Thursday night N got into town. And then Friday morning he spent the morning with me and Theo. We went to the museum under the arch and out to lunch. While I enjoyed spending time with N and Theo enjoyed the adventure, I felt sluggish and like a bad hostess. I felt like a zombie trying to remember how to make conversation.
During the afternoon, N went out and I messaged A feeling embarrassed. We had plans for her to bring S over to play with Theo but I hadn't considered until just then that I didn't have anything to feed us all. My numbers from lunch were good but I had zero dinner plans and I was starting to spiral again trying to come up with anything I could throw together that wouldn't spike my numbers. Why is everything I eat a carb!?
I tried to take a nap while Theo was napping and N was out but I didn't rest easy. When I got up, there was a message from A. She and J came up with something I could eat and offered to bring dinner over to us. I'm a little salty that it took them like 5 minutes to come up with a delicious recipe (from scratch!) that catered to my dietary restrictions while I've been panicking for a week and coming up with almost nothing. But I'm also thinking I need to sit them down to find out what other genius recipes they're hiding away in those amazing brains.
Because the fajita salad they made was really good. And I finally felt like I ate something that tasted good and was good for me at the same time for the first time all week.
Before bed on Friday I logged on to FB and saw for the first time the GoFundMe that J&B set up for us. They've already raised a third of our deductible. Which happens to be enough to cover the mountain of medical bills that have been sitting unpaid in my mail basket. All I could do is cry. I feel so unworthy of all this love. I can never repay these people and I don't know how to thank them properly.
It's Sunday now. When I dropped N off at the airport this afternoon, he asked if we'd like him to prepare a chrism for Abigail. An anointing oil for her. I said yes please. And I am simultaneously feeling so blessed by good friends and also uncontrollably weeping while I wonder what blessing Michael and I can come up with to speak over her when she is born and Pastor C comes to do her modified baby dedication in the hospital.
I'm back to thinking about those baby dedications and especially the October 30th one. What if she can live just long enough to do her dedication at church with all the other babies? And the next day is Halloween. My favorite day of the whole year. Theo keeps asking to be Pooh Bear for Halloween. I could dress Abigail up like Piglet. Or maybe I could be Kanga and Abby could be Roo in a baby carrier. Or maybe if I could just carry her for one week past my due date, then she'd be with us in utero for our favorite holiday.
Michael has taken care of Theo all evening by himself - except for when I went to dinner with them. And I've been weeping in bed.
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