Between D-Days

TRIGGER WARNING: This is the 3rd in a series of 5 posts dealing with infertility, terminal diagnosis, grief, and anticipating infant loss. Keep noticing the dates and remember that you haven't gotten to the end of the story yet. Even in these dark moments we were never alone. You have two more posts after this one before it starts to get better.

May 13, 2022

If my baby makes it full term only to die in childbirth and if we wait 6 months to start trying again and then if it takes a year like the last two times, we wouldn't be pregnant again until April 2024. And the baby wouldn't get here until January 2025. Theo would be 4 1/2 - almost 5 by that time.

How incredibly depressing. I'd be 32. I wanted to have 3 or 4 babies by that time. And now I'm wondering if I'll ever even get to 2.

It feels so evil of me. I've actually considered an abortion so we can start trying sooner. But I'm still exhausted from trying for all of 2021. And besides - I'm not getting an abortion. Let's be real. That was never really an option.

Michael wants to hold the baby. I haven't told him the statistics I've seen. That most babies with anencephaly don't even make it full term and if they do, they typically die in childbirth.*

Going to this appointment on Monday and getting good news - that our baby is perfectly healthy - would be like waking up from a nightmare.

Lord,

Please wake us up from this horrible nightmare - for the sake of your steadfast love. Be glorified in granting mercy and life to our baby.

In Jesus' Name I beg you,

Amen.

In Jesus we can know that neither our circumstances nor our enemies define the terms and the extent of God's love. But Jesus' death and resurrection do (Day 13 of the devotional Jesus in All of Psalms by Spoken Gospel)

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me (Psalm 13:5-6).

Later that same day...

Dr. K called. My results from my quad screen came in and they're not good. It came back with both a high risk for a neural tube defect and a high risk for trisomy 18. She said regardless of what they see in the ultrasound on Monday, something is definitely wrong. Cue the tears. Again.

She asked how I'm sleeping. I told her I keep waking up really early and I don't understand why. I have also been crying almost non-stop for five days. I didn't know that was even possible but I know why that's happening. She said she can give me something to help me sleep but I think I'll just use the MidNite stuff Michael's Grammy gave me. That has worked for me well this past year.

May 15, 2022

Today is Sunday and Theodore and I have been sniffly and exhausted since Wednesday. I've gone through almost all the toilet paper in the house from blowing my nose - I get incredibly stuffy when I cry, let alone when sick. We bought a pack of boxes of tissues this weekend and I've gone through two boxes in the last 24 hours.

We can't send Theo to Sunday School when he's sick obviously. So we came early to meet with our pastor and two of the elders who prayed over us for our appointment tomorrow. But then we left and didn't stay for the service.

I've been begging everyone to pray for a miracle. Not peace. Please don't pray for peace. Besides the fact that that's what good Christian people seem to pray for when they've given up on believing God will do a miracle, it also seems like an incredibly pointless request to me. God has promised us His peace. There are at least two unwavering beliefs I have about God: that He is good and that He always fulfills His promises. He has not promised to miraculously heal our baby or that we will never lose a baby. He has promised His peace.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7).

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27).

He is a good God and if this is the path He has for us to walk, He will provide the peace. So don't pray for peace. I feel like God can't hear me but maybe He'll hear someone else. Like He's turned His face away from us. Please pray for a miracle.

Today is Anencephaly Awareness Day. I've learned a lot about anencephaly this week. I've obsessively been reading testimonies from women who have carried babies with anencephaly to term. I can't remember Dr. K using that word exactly but I think she must have. When I started looking up neural tube defects, that word jumped out at me. I can't believe today is today. That today could be our first ever May 15th: Anencephaly Awareness Day.

After we left church this morning I asked Michael if we could go to the park or zoo or something. I haven't left the house all week. I've barely gotten out of bed. I've been crying almost non-stop. I so badly wanted to go to the service this morning but with Theo being sick... I told Michael I just can't bear the thought of leaving church to go sit at home and be sad some more.

We spent a lovely morning at the zoo. It was just what we all needed. We saw so many animals and I felt a sense of wonder returning to my heart.

When we were in high school, my dear friend lost her dad to a heart attack suddenly. There were lots of flowers involved in the coming year for her and her mom. I remember adopting a belief about beauty and grief. I believe that the reason we give flowers when someone has had a loss is that beauty is one of the most potent medicines for grief. I think it's vital that anyone who is in the midst of grief goes outside, finds a garden, visits the mountains or the beach...

What I wouldn't give for a vacation. I so desperately want to escape. I wish we could go to the Smokies. Or Disney World (I've never been). Even a beach (which is not normally my thing).

We don't have the money. We have to get answers at this appointment tomorrow. And besides, Michael doesn't have the vacation time this year - he only gets 3 paid days until 2023 because of a policy change that happened late last year (he's still in his first year with the company and we used several days to travel for the holidays in 2021). So we went to the zoo today. And it was exactly what we needed.

At the end of today I got a picture from some of my family. They all wore green today and took a picture for us. Green is the official color for Anencephaly Awareness. They sent the picture with the caption "for our Anen baby." It brought all the tears back but also comforted my heart.

I think I'll bring an entire box of tissues with me to our appointment tomorrow. *It has been 10 weeks since I believed those statistics. I now have reason to doubt them and am much more optimistic about a live birth for any baby with anencephaly who is given the chance.