WARNING: This is the 2nd in a series of 5 posts that get increasingly more dark and raw with each telling. The first was called "Miracle Baby" and I am attempting to keep this story in chronological order. Some readers may find the content triggering and if you're family to us I know these will be especially difficult to read. I want to encourage you to keep noticing the dates and remember that you haven't gotten to the end of the story yet. Remember that even in these dark moments, we were never alone. You have three more posts after this one before it starts to get better.
May 11, 2022
It's Wednesday. On Monday (the 9th) I had a routine prenatal exam. My nurse couldn't get a heartbeat on the doppler so I went in for an ultrasound. The technician immediately saw the heartbeat and reassured me. I saw my baby wiggling and kicking. The baby's perfectly round tummy. But then the tech left the room. She said she was going to ask the doctor if there's anything else to check.
She was gone a long time. I felt the sudden need to sing Kumbaya. "Come by here, my Lord."
When she came back with Dr. K she reapplied the goop and they started talking. Saying things like "Show me" and "yes, I see it." I said, "What are we seeing?" I don't even remember the whole answer. Just that it appears part of my baby's skull is missing.
Dr. K stepped out saying she'd get someone to make a room for us to talk. The last image on the screen was 3D. My baby didn't look like a baby. The head was wrong. The eyes looked bulging - like a frog.
The tech said she was sorry for misleading me. She waited while I wiped the goop off my belly and zipped my shorts and stepped down. I had Theo in the stroller with me.
We went just around the corner into a room. When Dr. K entered she was unstable. She fell awkwardly into her stool. She told me it looks like a neural tube defect. That she wanted to do some blood work and that genetic screening we'd been saying "no" to. That she'd refer us to an MFM team for a confirmation ultrasound. That if she's wrong they'd still be the best people to help manage whatever is going on. If she's right, my baby "is not compatible with life."
When she stepped out I called Michael. I started crying. I couldn't even speak. He asked if I needed him and said he would make some calls and be on his way.
We did the blood draw. Theo was intently watching. The phlebotomist was forgetful and had to chase me down twice as I was leaving. Once to give me a card of information about how to see my results. Again to get my signature and email. She did something on her computer though so I wouldn't have to pay $50 up front. She explained but I didn't understand. I only understood that whatever she did is supposed to be cheaper in the long run.
It's Wednesday now. I cried all the rest of the day Monday. I got a horrible headache and my face was swollen and my vision blurry.
I woke up to pee around 4 am Tuesday. I ended up crying and couldn't fall back asleep. When I finally did and woke back up, I made it until about 9:30 am before I started crying again. That pattern has continued and I've only gotten small breaks from crying since then. I'm totally exhausted. This Psalm came to mind:
"Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow,
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer."
(Psalm 6:1-9)
My prayer is for miraculous healing. That on Monday (the 16th) the doctors and techs will look at the ultrasound and say "it is good."
That my baby will be whole and healthy and live a long life with us.
That God would turn His face toward us and be gracious to us. That He'd hear the prayers of the saints crying out on our behalf. That Theo would have a little brother or sister close to his age to play with and grow with. That they'd be friends and support one another as they grow - be there for each other and not have to wait until adulthood to have something in common.
Please, Lord, change your mind and your plan. Bring glory to your Name through this baby's miraculous life and not through anencephaly or some other defect. Please be merciful. All power in heaven and earth is yours. Grant us another miracle. It will not exhaust you. But it will exhaust us if you don't change this path.
Your steadfast love and glory is being proclaimed through this miraculous conception. And they're on the line if you allow this evil. Intervene for the sake of your Name. Bring glory to yourself through mercy, miraculous grace, and the whole, healthy life of this baby.
I pray this in the Name of Jesus,
Amen.
Reflection from Today
In January this year (I don't remember which day) there was a moment when I was driving Theo to the mall. We were going to meet up with Michael.
I was so overwhelmed by my possible fertile window coming up, still not having a positive ovulation test, and just all of it and as I was driving it suddenly just hit me like a boulder in the chest. I try not to drive and cry but this came out of nowhere. And I started crying out to God. I don't remember what I said.
Suddenly the radio was no longer background noise. God sent me a song - He interrupted me right there in the middle of my breakdown and sent me His answer. It was immediate comfort and peace. I thought then that the song was a message to me about God carrying me through infertility. I didn't expect that we'd suddenly be able to conceive - just that no matter what, what the song says "everything will be alright...your whole world's in His hands."
As I drove away from D-Day #1 (which stands for diagnosis day for anyone who hasn't caught on yet) I suddenly realized that song was not just a message from Him about carrying me through infertility. God knew what I would be facing this year and He sent me this song as a promise to my heart and a prayer for me to pray when I don't have the words.
Here it is: "Be Alright" by Evan Craft
It's so hard to understand the why or how or when of trials. But we are not called to understand them, we are called to trust Him. Love you and praying for you daily!