Abigail Esme, my dear precious girl. I am so delighted to hear your sweet name & celebrate your sweet life & hopefully hold your precious self in the coming months. You are the answer to so many prayers. Your Mama & Daddy's. 32 years of Judds. Mine. You are a miracle. The surprise baby that no one expected, but everyone delighted in. We delight in you & however long we get to spend with you on Earth & we look forward to a joyous reunion in Heaven when all things will be made new & every tear will be wiped away. This isn't how life was meant to be, sweet Abby girl. Little girls aren't meant to die. To me, and I would guess to your Mama & Daddy too, this is one of the clearest signs to us that this world is broken & not as it should be. Little girls are meant to be squished & snuggled & safe from harm. We grieve your diagnosis & knowing we won't get to love on you & kiss you & hear you giggle & watch you twirl in fancy dresses or make mud pies in this life like we want to. But we will hold on to you & kiss you & hug you & hold you as long as we can & make up for lost time one day when all wrongs are made right. Abigail, your name means "delight of the Father" & "loved." I can't think of a better & more fitting name for you, sweetheart. You ARE the delight of our Heavenly Father & we are so thankful for the gift of you. Our good God saw fit to give you to us as an answer to so many prayers & we will do our best to hold you & release you to peace & joy with him. You are DEARLY loved by us all & we wish we could keep you for longer. But know our love & our prayers are always with you. Love your Aunt J <3
Above picture: Abigail sucking on her hand. A miracle!
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you. (Psalm 139:11-18)
Below picture: Abigail curled up snuggly, warm, and safe. She once again refused to cooperate for a portrait but I am at peace with it and no longer want any more ultrasounds after our medical one on October 6th. It's becoming too hard for me now. I am comforted knowing that she is cozy in there. Theodore was able to accompany us to this last ultrasound and it was precious seeing him with his nose pressed up against the screen exclaiming, "I see Abby! I see Abby!"
On May 16th this year, Abigail's Godmother wrote the above letter to her. When I received this letter it already had tear stains on it. I have read it over and over and added new tear stains of my own. Abby's Godmother is a momma to four of her own kiddos and has already lost a friend's baby to anencephaly before. I told her that I'm heartbroken to be giving her a godbaby that she won't get to help raise. J&A would truly be phenomenal godparents to a living child on this earth.
The most special thing about those two is that they are also the most amazing godparents we could have possibly have asked for our sweet girl who will be living in heaven before too long. Instead of celebrating milestones and being spiritual mentors to Abby as she grows up, they are planning to be here to anoint and bless Abby when she is born, to help cover her in flowers when we bury her, and to remember her with us for the rest of our lives until we get to see her again.
I have not been able to write my own letter to Abby yet. I don't know if the words will come to me soon or years from now or ever. But until then, I have been incredibly comforted by this letter from Abigail's Godmother to Abby. It says everything I want to say but have had too deep of a grief to put into words. I've included it for you to read, praying that it brings you comfort as well, along with a couple of pictures and a video from Abigail's last ultrasound. She is stable, kicking, and still growing. I am going in for weekly appointments now (the next one is tomorrow). We will see her on ultrasound one last time on October 6th.
Dear friend, you also are fearfully and wonderfully made. You have a Heavenly Father who knit you together in your mother's womb. He's known you since the dawn of time and He loves you. Maybe you've thought, as I did when I first learned Abigail's diagnosis, that this God must be a terrible knitter. It's not true. Abigail's diagnosis, your anxiety and fear, my faults and mistakes, and the hate and horror in our world are not evidence that God has failed us. They are, as Abby's Godmother wrote, evidence that this world is broken. And yet we have a God who still works miracles, still creates life, still speaks light into darkness, and is constantly intermingling His joy into our suffering. There is no where you can go from His presence - because despite the fact that we have broken this world, He enters in still. Even, and maybe most especially, the deep, dark places where we think the darkness is too dark for even Him. Even in the womb with a baby girl who has a fatal fetal anomaly. She is not alone. We are not alone. You, dear friend, are not alone.
You are loved. He sees you. This brokenness is not the end of the story.
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