Full Term, Baby!

We made it!

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant with Abigail and we are therefore officially FULL TERM. Boo-freaking-yah.

Here are some fun pictures from this weekend to celebrate:

So, how am I? (side-note: for real STOP asking me "how are you?" I was super rude yesterday to one of the many people who asked me this and I feel bad about it, I do. But also, I've asked people to stop asking this and while I've been doing well for most of my pregnancy, I really am not as sanctified as you may think. That is - if you think I WON'T lash out and smack you. If you don't think I'm capable of violence then you are not as intimate with me as you think you are. I have a long way to go before I look like Jesus. So really. Help me out here and STOP asking me "How are you?" If you are around when someone else asks me, I encourage you to either be prepared to hold back momma bear so she doesn't end up in jail or otherwise gently take that person by the shoulders and escort them a safe distance away)

That was a long side-note. So back to it - how am I?

I'm okay. Seriously. I'm feeling snarky (can you tell)? I'm very excited to be full term. I'm thrilled that I got to go to the pumpkin patch and we got to have our family arts and crafts session this weekend. I've been literally looking forward to and hoping we'd get to do this since I found out I was pregnant. My first thoughts after finding out were "when is my due date?" and "HECK YES OCTOBER!" I freaking love October and all things fall and Halloween so you better believe this tummy painting session has been the stuff of dreams for me.

It was even more special knowing that Abigail has anencephaly actually. This is because it created a really fun memory for my little family of four to enjoy time together. I thought it would be most fun for Theodore to have a pre-birth bonding experience with his little sister but I think it was most special for Michael. He and Abby super bonded during this painting experience. She was very responsive to it. My only advice for other expecting mommas is to anticipate the itching. It's been years since I had any kind of face or body paint applied and I TOTALLY forgot how itchy it is when the paint starts to dry!

This isn't the only thing we've done to bond with Abby throughout my pregnancy. We've had so many fun experiences with her - doing the maternity photos, taking her to our favorite places (especially restaurants since we know babies in the womb taste whatever mommas eat), reading stories to her and Theo before his nap time (she almost always dances while I do that - I don't know if it's the stories or just the sound of Theo's voice. She's very responsive to his voice and touch. Sometimes I think she's trying to kick him out of the way when he's on my lap), doing our first entertainment ultrasound, lots of baths (she loves the sound of the water and the sensations of the temperature change from a filling bathtub and is always super active during that part), and lots of musical worship and dance (Theodore always danced during the preaching while Abigail seems to prefer the music - I figure it's good for her because it's getting her used to what her forever Home will sound like).

In the beginning when I first learned of her diagnosis I would describe my favorite things to her like what it looks like when water comes out of the bathtub spout. The worst one was when it occurred to me that I'll never get to teach her how to make cookies. She loves cookies. I know this because when I was pregnant with Theo I never had a craving. The closest I came was a couple times I really wanted cheese fries but frankly that was just normal for me and always has been! With Abigail, I have definitely had cravings. The first was cookies. Like an undeniable almost unquenchable NEED for cookies. (She's also made me crave french fries, flaming hot cheetos, and most recently LOTS of fettuccine chicken alfredo. This is how I know we're related).

Anyway. Cookies. So I decided to try something in those early post-diagnosis days that I'd read about from one of the many stories of anencephalic babies. I decided to have the experience with her in my womb and describe it to her in great detail. This went from a possibly cute session of a slightly pregnant looking woman sitting on the floor in front of the oven, gazing into the oven with the light on and talking out-loud about everything she was seeing... to a very bleak and depressing sobbing session worthy of a chick-flick.

It turns out that kind of experience is not becoming of Marcy & Abigail. We aren't the depressed, morose, spend-time-moping type. Abigail wants to be celebrated. She likes the feeling of Momma cackling as we watch Dry Bar Comedy on the Angel Studios App. She likes going to our favorite places, tasting yummy food, "playing" with Theo and Daddy, being pampered, and apparently the sensation of being painted over like a jack-o-lantern. I mean, can you blame her? What baby can you imagine thinking "Gee, I really hope my parents always cry when they think about me and that the first thing I experience when I finally make it out of here is the sensation of being the cause of suffering to everyone around me"? Maybe I'm crazy but I just don't think any child wants that kind of experience. I think babies want to be loved and cherished and enjoyed. Abigail's name means JOY!

So how am I? I'm snarky. Because I'm happy and excited that we're full term. Because I've had a lot of fun with Abby. And because I've always had an attitude problem and I seem to be SURROUNDED by Moaning Myrtles who cannot stop either asking me how I'm doing OR feeling freaking sorry for me. This, frankly, is a real downer on the parade I'm trying to march over here.

Listen, this may not be for everyone. I don't suggest you take this blog post and apply it to everyone you ever meet in a similar situation. This is about me right now. And me is feeling snarky.

I'm pretty sure every woman goes through a similar stage when she is full-term or approaching full-term - the stage where you are hyper-focused on preparing for birth. You are uncomfortable all the time and ready to get this baby out! You might go through "nesting" and start cleaning like a crazy lady. You're constantly remembering stuff you forgot you might want to pack for the hospital. You spend a lot of time thinking about or actively avoiding thinking about what labor and birth will feel like and how you'll cope. And a bunch of other stuff.

I'm not different just because Abby has anencephaly. I'm not sick, guys. I'm pregnant. She's a real human being and more than her diagnosis. So we can all stop talking to me in dulcet tones like I'm a walking corpse or someone you're going to catch a disease from. You know who my favorite people are right now? The ones sending me pictures of their vacations, texting me about their brothers who need prayer and support, walking up to me during service and asking if I'm willing to be one more person for the prayer-response team because they need another volunteer, snapping me pictures of their house remodels and what's happening at work, and otherwise treating me like a normal person! (With the exception of not asking me "how are you?" - that's still triggering even if it is a totally normal question to ask normal people)

So since I'm not so different, I'm also fully preoccupied with the coming labor & birth: waking up in the middle of the night and typing notes in my phone about what I need to pack in the hospital bag, getting antsy about everything I wish I could deep-clean, taking Bridget Teyler's awesome Built to Birth class (which I recommend even to people in my situation - it's super easy to navigate around any potentially triggering parts of the class for someone who will experience a stillbirth or with a baby who isn't expected to live long), and rehashing my dream birth experience while trying to avoid meditating on what could go wrong.

One of the things every pregnant person should do at full-term is surround herself with positive stories. All those ladies that want to share the horror stories and trauma stories? Yeah, it's time to walk away from those. They are not helpful at this point. So I posted in my support group asking everyone to share the good parts of their birth stories. Believe it or not, we get those parts too - those of us carrying babies with fatal diagnoses. We also get to have babies we love and they are just as magical and beautiful!

I posted because I need realistic hope to look forward to and meditate on. And the ladies in my group are the only ones in the whole world who can provide that. You cannot. If you haven't carried a baby with anencephaly, you cannot help here and I don't want you to try. If you try, I'm going to have to decide whether or not to be rude to you or to try to be like Jesus and for the next couple of weeks (or longer) I would really like people to stop testing the Jesus in me. It's hard to be a sanctified woman right now, y'all. I've designed half a dozen t-shirts in my head to try to deter you from testing the Jesus in me but I haven't printed or worn them yet, so just make it unnecessary by proactively stopping that nonsense.

I've loved hearing about the good parts of the birth stories my support group ladies have lived out. Something they get and something other Abel Speaks couples get is that there is so much JOY in this journey of choosing to carry our babies. You know what the opening lines of my birth plan are?

Thank you for being a partner in our baby’s birth. We hope to maintain an atmosphere of joy around Abigail. She is worth celebrating and her birth is a happy occasion; however we are acutely aware of what limited time we have with our precious girl and are learning as we go. Please be patient with us and help us create the most loving environment for her as possible.

I mean this with all of my being. So when one of the ladies in my group posted her positive experience and then ended with a side-note about how she literally had someone escorted out of her birth room who decided to weep and wail in that room, I almost laughed out loud. Because at least on this side of Abby's birth, I totally get that. Anyone want to sign up to be a birth room bouncer? Cuz I'm totally following that example if it comes to it. Just designed another t-shirt - it's for you and says "security" and I'm taking suggestions for snarky one-liners to go under it.

There was a time for sympathy. There will be a time for sympathy. Now is not it. I am feeling snarky. I'm not looking my best right now and I know it. But I haven't filtered on this blog yet and I'm not about to start. This is Abigail's story and right now Abigail's momma is feeling massively protective of Abigail's story. You know what I refuse to allow to be a part of her story? I refuse to allow her to be "welcomed" into our arms surrounded by weeks of other people weeping, wailing, extending tentative "how are you"s, looks of pity, and comments about how hard, heavy, and difficult this all is.

Michael is allowed to be sad. Theo is allowed to be sad. I am allowed to be sad. No one else is allowed to be sad in my space. Go take your negative energy somewhere else. My labor is NOT going to go easily if my mind is in a depressed and negative state so I don't need your pity right now. And my baby girl is NOT going to have her only live moments filled with the sounds of crying and sad voices. Y'all can get out.

Why is it okay for me and Michael to feel sad but it isn't okay for you to feel sad? You know....it's a fair question if I'm being honest. And a more mature woman would shut up right now and not post this. A more mature woman would take this all to the Lord in prayer and receive the strength and grace to be patient with those around her. I guess I'm not a more mature woman. I'm not trying to be right now. I'm just trying to be transparent, faithfully tell the real story of our journey with Abigail, and pray that God can transform and make "my mess, [His] message" (Thank you Matthew West for the new favorite song).

So that's where I really am. That's how I'm really doing. I'm snarky. I'm thrilled to be full-term. I love and am proud of Abigail. I've had a lot of fun with her this past weekend. And I'm super done with people being sad about my family of four and especially about Abby. And a small part of me in my heart of flesh is sorry for the heavy sarcasm and judgmentalism. I imagine Jesus and I will have a talk about my attitude real soon and I'll have some apologies to make.

Thank you for following the story and being a prayer-partner with us in the journey toward's our baby's birth. We hope to maintain an atmosphere of joy around Abigail. She is worth celebrating and her birth is a happy occasion; however, I'm super hormonal and this has been a long year and Michael is just starting to process some of this again for the first time in awhile. Please be patient with us and help us create the most joyful, loving environment for Abigail to be welcomed into as possible.

If nothing else, you can celebrate with us that we are FULL TERM, BABY! Boo-freaking-yah!