I have a soundtrack for this post. Here you go:
June 27th, 2022
Today we had our first "heartbeat check," met D (the nurse who will be doing these checks) for the first time, and had our zoom meeting to meet people from Abel Speaks and start our relationship with them.
Abigail's heartbeat was normal and strong at the heartbeat check. I knew the appointment was only for 15 minutes and I had some questions so what followed was a rapid fire question and response between me and D largely thanks to my finishing A Gift of Time and feeling way more informed and in control of my care.
I came to some conclusions over the weekend due to a report I found on the anencephaly info site and my fear of Abigail suddenly passing in utero has largely gone away for the most part. I feel so much more at peace and the anxiety has evaporated.
I've asked my church to please pray against my developing polyhydramnios. I mean also to keep praying for a miracle too but even if God doesn't heal her the way we want, we know He is good and our family and faith will be okay. Our greatest wish at this moment is to carry Abby full term and get to see her and hold her alive for a few hours. We know that is so incredibly rare but so much more likely if I don't develop polyhydramnios. The report actually showed that it's totally likely that I could never experience it. Meaning, it's not the guranteed risk I thought it was.
I'm also less worried than ever about hemorrhaging. It's even more rare that polyhydramnios. It was this big scary risk when I was first told about it. But I asked D for her opinion and told her what I'm thinking and she agreed that there's no reason I should be afraid of traveling anymore. That I should just make sure to note where the best hospital for me would be wherever my destination is and do all the things normal pregnant women should do when they travel.
Michael wasn't totally thrilled with that news about travel and we've agreed together that I'm still not going to. Especially now that Abigail is becoming more and more active - that's my personal reasoning for not going on a trip without Michael. I won't take her away from him now that he'll be able to feel her kicks any day now. As for Michael, he's admitted he knows its not rational, but his big fear is something happening to me. He knows it's just Abby who is sick, but he's terrified anyway that something horrible is going to happen to me too. He's not willing to let me leave town without him and he wants us to stay close to the hospitals he knows and is comfortable with.
Michael's work has been wonderful. They've told him to take all the time he needs and he will be able to come to every single appointment. They're offering him overtime to make up the pay and being super flexible with his hours. He still only has a few days of vacation time this year, so that's the reason he wouldn't be able to come if I took a trip. But with inflation and gas prices and all these medical bills...well we just shouldn't be traveling anyway.
After our heartbeat check we went home and got on zoom to meet Abel Speaks people. We met S, an LCSW and family care coordinator for the ministry. She's sent us all kinds of resources to help us plan things, to navigate asking questions at appointments, and to find inspiration and comfort through the founders', Kelly & Daniel's, story and testimonies. She also connected us with a couple who recently walked a similar road with their son.
There names are Krista and John Wiedeman and you can read their testimony and hear Oaks's story here:
We talked with them for a while sharing details about our children with one another, asking questions, and receiving so much love and support. I think it helped Michael more than me but it definitely did help me. I finally feel permission to be excited about being pregnant again.
The way Krista and John talked about Oaks helped me to embrace a truth that has been swirling around in my head but hadn't fully formed: Abigail is more than her diagnosis. Everyone who knows us keeps saying how "heavy" this all is. And so many people feel bad for us. Yet at the same time... I'm...excited?
I love Abby. And I am proud to be her momma. I've started wondering if God gave her to me because He believes I am the best momma for Abigail. I feel privileged that He chose me. He chose me to carry His princess. He knew what her story would be and I wonder if He then looked at options for who could be her parents and of everyone in the world, He chose us.
Connecting with Abel Speaks has opened up an avenue for me to navigate the rest of this journey. Because they get it - to them, it not only makes sense that we've continued to carry Abigail, but they get the joy too. They are the first people I've talked to since the diagnosis that congratulated us on Abigail. Everyone else is just so sad and gives us only sympathy instead of also congratulations.
I've been thinking a lot about how for the smallest of seconds I considered abortion. For a longer second I begged God to take her right away so that I wouldn't have to walk these 5 months of pain. For a moment I thought that somehow this story God has given us would be more painful than a miscarriage. But I'm wiser now.
I've learned that abortion would not have fixed anything. Either way I would lose Abby. By keeping her, yes there is pain. But I would have had pain anyway. What I didn't expect and what Oaks has taught me and what I am now experiencing is that by keeping her there is joy.
I didn't know I could look forward to her birth again. Knowing that it is almost certainly going to also be the moment of her death has made imagining her delivery pure agony for me. But as I listened to this Krista and John talking about Oaks and how excited they were to meet him...a different way opened up to me.
Last week was a good week. I kept waiting for another horrible day to drop on me...but it didn't happen. And today was also a genuinely good day. I'm not naive. I know there will be more hard days. Maybe even worse than what I've faced so far. But I didn't expect this. I didn't think there would be any good days.
"I still have joy in chaos. I have peace that makes no sense. I won't be going under - I'm not held by my own strength. Cause I've built my life on Jesus! He's never let me down. He's faithful through every season. So why would He fail now? He won't!" ("Firm Foundation" by Maverick City Music)
I should be devastated. By all rights I should be a mess. But I feel better than I have in a long time. Maybe even years. I feel...anchored.
Every once and awhile I've picked up an old coping skill that isn't healthy only to set it back down again and return to Jesus in prayer and song. It used to be that when I would slip up like that I would feel horrible and hear the voice of the enemy condemning me. But it's not even a struggle right now to remember and believe:
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
And I suddenly just want to surround myself with people who get it.
On D-Day #2, M was babysitting Theo for us during our appointments. When we got home to relieve her, Michael took Theo outside so I could tell her the news. She said then that she knows there's such a thing as "toxic positivity" and she didn't want to do that but that she is also believing for a miracle and will be praying and optimistic for us. I told her then not to worry about being too positive. On that day I accepted Abigail's diagnosis. And I also accepted that God wasn't going to make her whole on this side of heaven.
I continued and do continue to pray for miraculous healing, but it's without despair or any real deep emotion at all. It's just a part of my routine now. I don't believe that's what He has for us - but I want others praying for a miracle and believing in one for me because I do still believe He is able and I do still believe my God is a surprising God. Lord, you're welcome to surprise me again! Those first couple of days after D-Day #1 I wasn't able to really pray. I didn't have words and I needed everyone else to pray on my behalf. Now I feel that same way about believing in a miracle for Abigail. Believe in one on our behalf.
I want to surround myself with people like M and like Krista and John and T&M. People who believe and pray and will worship and praise with us. People who don't think we're crazy for experiencing joy and celebrating Abigail. I know everyone has their own processing to do and most people probably aren't going to be where I am in this journey...maybe not for a long time if at all. That's okay even if it's hard for me to accept.
As for me, I accept the joy now. I'm going to stop questioning it. I know Who it's from and now because of Abel Speaks I know I'm not the only one.
"Rain came, wind blew. My house was built on You. I'm safe with You. I'm going to make it through. Cause I'm standing strong on You. Christ is my firm foundation - the rock on which I stand. When everything around me is shaken, I've never been more glad that I put my faith in Jesus. He's never let me down!"
This beautiful wooden memory box, Bible, blanket, candle, and necklace was sent to us by Abel Speaks along with other gifts, including a small library of books I am working my way through. If you know someone who is or has gone through something similar, connect them with Abel Speaks. They also have an online store where you can buy similar beautiful gifts and all the resources they recommend. This is a ministry worth supporting!
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