Musings on Heaven

I drafted this post in December 2022 in the week after Abigail's Memorial Service but I never ended up posting it. Since today is International Bereaved Mother's Day, I thought I'd share it now.

December 2022:

I'm feeling sad, so I'm writing to give some updates. I have heard people talk about how counting your blessings can change your whole mood and thought life. I think the reason talking about Abby and reliving the weekend she came and left brings me such peace is that she is a humongous blessing and God just really showed up. So I'm counting my blessings by writing to you. :)

It's funny how I'm doing. People keep asking of course - it no longer bothers me to be asked. This morning as I was visiting with a friend she said "You look so good. You're just beaming." And I replied, "I really am. I think it makes people uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with me if I'm not the mess they expect me to be. But the thought of her cradled in Jesus' lap as He sits on His throne is so beautiful to me that I can't help but keep smiling." That image comes from Revelation 3:21 which says, "To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on His throne."

We had Abigail's Celebration of Life Worship Service this past Saturday and it was just perfect. So beautiful, so full of joy, so perfect. As I was visiting with people the topic of heaven and what Abigail is doing now of course kept popping up. I've recently been ready Randy Alcorn's book Heaven and enjoyed imagining what Abigail could be doing now. (Many of these thoughts come directly from his book)

You know, none of us knows what age we will appear to be in heaven. Do we die and then suddenly appear at peak maturity, 30 or so, in heaven regardless of how old or young we were? Or do we go to heaven at the same level of development, just...healed and healthy at that age? The way we would have been in a world without sin? Most people I talk to seem to believe that heaven is either a disembodied experience -so we're all just ethereal spirits floating around "up there" (which frankly is an image that really freaks me out but I guess it's 100% possible that Abby's waiting for the resurrection to be reembodied) - OR for some reason most people keep talking about us turning into angels when we die (which is just really bad ontology - humans are humans and angels are angels).

As for me, I like to think that Abigail is experiencing heaven as a healthy, whole newborn baby girl. I like to imagine her being rocked in a rocking chair in heaven's nursery - maybe by one of the saints who never got to have her own babies on this earth. Maybe Jesus is sitting in the next rocking chair and whittling a toy just for her. I like to imagine that she spends her nights being lulled to sleep by her guardian angel, carrying her on a tour of the stars.

I don't think this imagining is so far-fetched actually. The reality of what heaven is like for Abigail right now is probably far more wonderful and fairy-tale-like than my most extravagant imaginings. And I really do think it's possible. For two main reasons, honestly.

1. The reason I think she is probably still a baby and not BOOM suddenly 30 is that I believe Isaiah 11:6-9 is about the New Heavens and the New Earth (post-Jesus' return/post resurrection). This passage talks about the perfect harmony and peace we will enjoy on a very physical earth full of creatures and apparently little children and even infants. How about that. And if there are little children and infants in heaven, who are they? I like to think maybe they're the children and babies we lost on the old earth (this earth). Sure, you could argue that Isaiah is just using poetry to try to describe perfect peace, safety and harmony. And I'm really cool with that interpretation as well. But I also don't see any reason why we can't take his language here literally.

2. The reason I think she could be embodied in a whole, healed body (as opposed to the popular idea that she is a disembodied spirit waiting for the final resurrection when Jesus returns to establish the New Heavens and the New Earth) is that Jesus is embodied in a whole, healed body. He has scars for sure, but is living in a body none-the-less (Luke 24:36-43). Perhaps Jesus is the first and only person in His resurrected body and everyone else has to wait to be in their resurrected body at the same exact time when Jesus returns to this earth. I dunno. But I'm not convinced.

The souls of the martyrs referred to in Revelation 6:9-11 could have bodies or could be disembodied spirits - they cry out in a loud voice and they are given robes, so that seems to suggest they have bodies. But maybe the "loud voice" is just showing their unified relationship to each other and to God and the "robes" are just referring to their righteousness and the fact that they've been vindicated for the time being. I dunno. The fact is no one knows and we're all just guessing. I think most likely they have bodies, like Jesus has a body. And that John just didn't know how to describe those bodies because they live by different rules.

Frankly, Jesus' body as described by Luke didn't follow the same rules my current body follows. He could be touched and He ate food in His restored body. But he also teleported. Maybe I just haven't passed my apparition exam yet but that really doesn't seem like the way my body works. Or maybe it's a perk only Jesus enjoys because of His divinity. Rather than think Abigail is disembodied or even only reembodied in a "fixed" body...I think she's probably incarnate in a body that just doesn't follow the same rules my body follows. Thank God because that means that the passage of time doesn't equal aches and pains for her. It means that being a teething baby doesn't require pain in heaven.

This is turning into something other than what I intended to write about. Apologies - I just like to think about heaven and my baby girl and I've always been a nerd so I tend toward these asides. I was saying that we had Abby's service this weekend and I kept telling people of how I imagine Abigail in heaven, being rocked in heaven's nursery etc. At the end of the service, Pastor C was praying and he mentioned that verse from Revelation 3 about being given the right to sit with Jesus on His throne and he just spelled out this picture of Abigail being on God's lap and that picture is the reason why I'm smiling today. Because it's in Scripture - it's not just a cliche thing to say, it's truth.

I hope I've been authentic and genuine and that if you've followed along on this blog, you've seen that there is both beauty and brokenness, grief and joy. I talk more about the joy these days because it's more true than the grief and because it seems to be the bit people struggle to believe. Everyone can understand if I'm a crying mess. No one can understand why I'm not - unless I'm just secretly hiding it and being fake. I'm not.

Of course I cry. I sobbed in the car on Friday after picking up Abigail's photo flipbook from Walgreens. The worker who put it together in front of me and sold it to me had been telling me all about her friend who was shot in the head last week by her girlfriend and we'd been ministering to each other, talking about how important it is to be kind because you never know what the person on the other end of the phone is dealing with and about how none of us are alone and how all of this pain is just evidence that this world is broken and in need of a Savior. She then finished the book and flipped through each page with me, one-by-one, saying "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "Stuff like this shouldn't ever happen, " and "what a beautiful family," and "I'm so glad you got pictures," - all when I hadn't said a word about Abigail or why I was there. I felt so seen and touched that I carried that book out to the car and just sat and sobbed.

I've also been super spacey. I'm aware that I'm not cognitively functioning the same. I'm in a bit of a fog, processing slower, not remembering things very well, having some focusing issues in conversation with others. That's okay. This is normal post-giving birth and during grief and I've got both realities going on. It's not impeding my ability to take care of myself or Theo and it's not static. It's clearing up day-by-day as I continue to recover physically and as I continue to mentally process my gift and my loss.

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm not being fake. It's just that I can see my baby girl on God's lap. I know that when I open my mouth and lift my voice in song, the most true reality is that I am transported to the throne room where she is and now I'm not only in His presence every time I pray or sing or worship in some way, but I am also in her presence because she is with Him. I know she is okay and that I will be too. I'm trying to make a peace that surpasses understanding make sense for you and I don't think I'm going to succeed. But I'm trying anyway - like John tried to describe what he saw when he wrote Revelation even though I'm sure he knew that there was no way it was going to translate into words that we would perfectly understand.

I guess what I hope you get from reading this is that I am good. I have been thinking about 2022 and feeling so thankful for this year. Every month has included her - from January when God gave me her song to December when we had her service. And therefore every month of next year will have a special memory of her to enjoy.

It is the holiday season and loss during this time is supposed to be really hard. Yet...on my tree I have an answered prayer. And we have a little tree for Abigail too (just like her big brother has a little tree in his bedroom). Her tree has a couple of ornaments just for her on it and her twinkle lights from the hospital. I feel her absence but I don't feel loss.

Maybe that sounds like a technicality but it doesn't feel the way I was told it would feel. And it doesn't feel the way others expect I should be feeling. Honestly...it just feels like a prolonged pregnancy. The day she was born feels like a dream - a preview of what it will really be like when we are all together again. We're not always together, but she isn't lost or gone. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm really doing well. ;)

I have my energy back, physically. My smile is coming from a joyful heart. I can get up off the ground SO much easier, I'm no longer nauseated, my house is at my standard of clean, and I have the oxygen and the genuine desire to dance around the house with Theo and wrestle once more.

Once a day or so I feel sad. Maybe I cry a little. In those moments, I stop and let myself feel it. I think about Abigail and I listen for Jesus. And a still small voice reminds me of what is true. Sometimes I come out of those moments as I'm creating a physical momento - a visual to help me remember what is true and remember her. Sometimes I come out of those moments because the toddler has called for me or the next thing requires my attention. But I'm okay. More than okay, I'm good.

---

May 7, 2023

Thank you to those of you who remembered the significance of this day. It has been a considerably difficult day for us all. We are thankful for the Remembrance Service we attended today - the stories that were shared, the food, the coffee, the gifts, and the candle lighting ceremony. It was inspiring but it was also really really sad for us personally.

Speaking just for myself, I in particular am struggling with our family make-up. I still have not accepted that because of my fertility issues it is unlikely I will get to have the big family I dreamed (and still dream) of. Since writing the above blog post I have undergone more testing and discovered more obstacles to getting and staying pregnant than I knew about before having Abby. So while I am still truly good in the sense of being a bereaved mother when it comes to Abigail - I am not so good in the sense of being a bereaved mother who continues to struggle with infertility. The difference may be hard for you to understand, but it's a vast difference in my experience.

I've learned that today is about all the mothers who are bereaved:

Sending love to...

• the mothers still waiting for their miracle

• the mothers who never knew their baby's gender

• the mothers whose babies were born still but were still born

• the mothers who have given up on having more children, but not of your own choice

• the mothers like me who have had to bury their babies - whether after a day or many years

• and the grandmothers who have had to love their grown babies through losses of their own

I see you. I stand with you. You are not alone and not forgotten.

Happy Mother's Day. You are a mother.