June 22, 2022
It's been one week since our second appointment with MFM and our dinner with T&M.
Michael texted me this morning. He said he's not doing good and told me he's been having nightmares. It scares me because I don't know how to help him. I can't fix this or take it away. And this is the worst thing I can imagine having to go through.
This isn't the first thing that makes me think we're under spiritual attack. It seems our whole church is. Because Michael isn't truly avoiding his grief. He talks about Abby and has been honest and raw with our new friends and is leaning on his church. And he's been wearing his green ribbon pin on his collar to work to take her with him most days.
It's not like he's causing his own nightmares by running from it - even if his personality isn't as run-into-the-flames-screaming-a-battle-cry-and-daring-satan-to-try-to-stop-you-this-time like I am when it comes to conflict. His approach to conflict and pain is a little less dramatic and instantaneous than mine.
Lord Jesus,
I know we haven't been on great terms lately. I've been convinced you've turned your face from me and stopped hearing my prayers or otherwise all you have for me is "no." But I'm coming to you now anyway because I'm worried about your son, Michael.
Jesus, what you're allowing in his life is too hard for him. He is in so much pain and fear and I don't know what to do to help. Please help him to heal and grieve in a healthy way. Show up for him and comfort him with your peace. Grant him restorative sleep.
Amen.
Dr. F said my baby wouldn't move a lot but I've felt Abigail every day since that appointment. So there. She actually said something like "these babies tend to stop [moving] around now." She'd asked me if I felt any movement and I told her not lately. But I wasn't worried because my placenta is in the front and acting like a cushion between me and her. I have noticed a common theme in the stories I've been reading though - babies with anencephaly seem to move more not less. Hm.
The very next day I started feeling Abigail kick again. And without fail, I have felt her every day around the same times each day. I don't remember Theodore having a regular kick schedule in the womb, but she is developing one. Anyone who knows me knows I have a defiant side. I'm infinitely stubborn. Like mother like daughter. Someone in my support group told me about an organization called Abel Speaks. I filled out the contact form on their website. They contacted us a while ago but it ended up in my spam folder so I just now found it. We will be meeting a representative and another couple online after our next appointment on Monday. They're supposed to be sending a gift for Abigail in the mail. I don't know what it is. Last night Theodore's Copper Pearl "quilt" arrived for his new big boy bed - along with a surprise package from VH. She had her mother-in-law make a beautiful quilt for Abby. I love it even though it's so pink. It has strawberries on it. I've been thinking of her as my little strawberry girl ever since we made the plan to go strawberry picking (even though that didn't exactly work out). I try not to torment myself by imagining dressing her in all these cute little strawberry patterned rompers I see baby girls wearing to the park this summer.
I've been concerned about all these blankets and gifts. This is the third blanket. I'm worried about what other things people will make or buy for us. I really don't want to end up with a shrine of momentos to a dead baby in my house.
That said...it meant a lot to me that a blanket arrived for Abby at the same time as one came for Theo. I sat on the couch covered up with Abby's and Michael sat covered up with Theo's and we watched TV. I was happy thinking I had both of my babies loved and close to me right there. I decided to sleep with Abigail's quilt. I got into bed and covered my tummy with the heart part of her quilt and then laid down and held it all night thinking that if I sleep with it like that I will be able to say Abigail slept under that quilt. And then it'll be a comfort to me when she's gone. My strawberry girl. My wildflower.
Note from Today:
If anyone is still feeling the compulsion to make things for Abby, I do have a request. I am really concerned with having several hats to have ready to bring to the hospital for her. Babies with anencephaly are often missing pretty much everything from the eyebrows up so typical baby hats don't fit and won't stay on.
If you google around, there are crochet and knitting patterns specifically for hats for babies with anencephaly. I know nothing about crocheting or knitting so I have no ideas which patterns make sense or would work or not. And I can't make one myself.
If you are interested in helping, you can go to the About page here on Abigail Speaks and use the "contact" button to send me an email to get our address. My one request is that you would consider making her a green hat to match this swaddle we picked out for her.
If you look at the pictures that go with this swaddle, you'll see a baby girl in the swaddle with a sage green bow. I know it's dumb because she'll never be able to wear it...but I did actually buy the bow. I just wish so badly she could wear it that I wasted the money and just...bought it. It's stupid. Idk. I just wanted it. I couldn't help thinking "what if?" What if God heals her...at least enough that she could wear a bow. Ugh. Why am I doing this to myself?! Anyway...
Some tips passed on from other moms in my support group:
typically a circumference of 8-10 inches works best for a baby with anencephaly born full term but we should bring several in different sizes since we won't know until she is born what her condition is
consider including a liner as we may need to change her hats frequently due to blood (we will of course be bandaging her head, but this still seems to be the prevailing advice)
consider having some hats with strings to tie below her chin to hold the hat on
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