Planning Her Burial

This is a bad one. I suggest you skip it if you don't feel up to a very emotional read. The next post coming on Friday will be much better because thankfully this one from July 16th was just one bad day in the midst of three good weeks, but I'm afraid the posts coming out next week aren't very easy either. It's been a difficult stretch since about July 25th.

July 16th, 2022

Shortly after Theo was born in April 2020 I began planning my funeral. I also signed up for life insurance and started nagging Michael about getting our will written so that Theo is all taken care of if anything ever happens to us.

When I was researching for my own burial back in 2020 I learned about natural burial. It's actually nothing new - it's the way humans have been caring for our dead for most of history. The embalming process we use in the USA and the concept of having a concrete vault in the ground and burying someone in a hardwood & metal box is actually quite new. And expensive. And really unfriendly to our environment. But I confess that the real reason natural burial appealed to me was it seems to be the cheapest way to go about burial.

Michael is so sentimental and I haven't even died yet. I worry about how he'll handle finances once I'm gone. I've often thought that there are some sharks out there in the end-of-life business that take major advantage of the grieving. I thought if I plan out my funeral and burial for Michael, it will protect him from getting conned into dropping money we don't have and shouldn't need to spend.

In natural (or green) burial, you do things the simple and old-fashioned way. You bury your loved one in a biodegradable shroud or casket made of natural materials that will decompose easily. Oftentimes you get to be more hands-on in the process too. Some places will let you help dig the grave or fill it in. You forgo the embalming process - so burial happens closer to death and services are typically memorial services held at a later date. And it's really as simple as that.

If you want to go all green there are other considerations - like what clothes you dress your loved one in and not having a grave marker and what types of care are provided to the grave site. But I'm not that green or particular.

So I already knew when we learned Abby's diagnosis where I want to be buried. And I already knew about natural burial. But beyond the price point, I'd also come to fall in love with the beauty of a natural burial.

The idea of caring for a loved one in one last tangible way by cleaning and dressing them is incredibly touching to me. I am a little jealous of Jewish communities who have always done this as a ministry. I learned that the Jews have a special group that performs ceremonial cleansing and preparation for burial, complete with songs and prayers, for those in their community. Since the Jews typically bury their dead within 24-48 hours of death, this group is often made up of retired Rabbis and volunteers because they have to be available at a moment's notice. This sacred burial group, called the Chevra Kaddesha, provides the first step in the grieving process and is followed by a week of friends coming to sit vigil and pray with the family. There are so many other beautiful traditions and ceremonies for the Jews to help them truly mourn. And a huge part of what makes all of those traditions possible is natural burial.

It's obviously not for everyone. I'm by no means so comfortable with the idea that I'd consider a career as a mortician but I do believe in this final ministry to our loved ones. Not too far in the past, there were several roles available to friends and family of the deceased - if you weren't the one washing and dressing your loved one, you might help make the casket or embroider the shroud, dig the grave, sit vigil with the family etc. I believe these roles - which have largely been delegated now to caretakers and businesses - provided an incredibly important opportunity for certain personalities to begin to let go and grieve.

Some of us, I'd argue a large portion of humanity, actually really need these tangible opportunities to say goodbye. And in most cultures around the globe, these opportunities exist. I worry that in the USA we've maybe separated ourselves so much from the dying process and death that we have slowly eliminated too many of these opportunities for those people in our community who would really benefit from participating in them. There are still some ways to be involved in a funeral of course but they usually separate individuals so much from the discomfort of death that they aren't maybe as effective at helping us say goodbye.

I think this because when I've explained to people that Abigail will be coming home with us - dead or alive - it has really freaked some people out. And concerned others. It's not normal in our culture. Actually even a lot of people have asked "is that even legal!?" I had to check too. I knew I wanted to do this but I wasn't sure if it was allowed. Other people have been concerned that I'm not aware of how death changes a body and worried that I am getting myself into something I am not prepared for.

I've met some women in my support groups who have done this very thing for their babies and I've learned a lot about what happens to our bodies during the dying process and after death. Knowledge is vastly different than experience, I am aware. I've been reassured by those with experience that this can be a beautiful and healing part of my journey with Abigail and I am choosing to trust the testimony of those who have gone before me on this road.

So this decision is made. What's left for me to do now is be my nerdy self and research. I want to learn more about early Christian burial rituals. How did they care for their dead? I assume there was a lot of overlap with the established Jewish rites and rituals. What prayers, Scriptures, and songs do I want to sing over Abigail as I bathe her, dress her, and swaddle her for her final bedtime routine? Will I tuck scented herbs or flowers in with her and what will they be? In keeping with true Michael & Marcy fashion, I am confident whatever we decide to do will be absolutely beautiful, be laced with Christian tradition and Church history nuance, and further contribute to convincing those around us that we are certifiably crazy.

I came across a beautiful picture of a grave lined with wildflowers in June. I'd already come to accept the wildflower symbol for Abigail so I immediately fell in love with that picture. My goal became to find a place for her where they would allow us to do as natural of a burial as we want - preparing her for burial ourselves, forgoing the use of a funeral home or morgue, and especially using lots and lots of wildflowers.

H from church offered to call the list of places MFM provided to screen cemeteries for us and would you believe it? The best fit happened to be the same cemetery I picked out for myself two years ago.

So today we went to meet B from the cemetery to talk about Abigail's burial and to see where she will be laid to rest. He's a kind gentleman and was very sad for us. We sat in an office and he gave us a few halting details about what to expect. He seemed to have trouble knowing what to say actually and told us his sister had lost a baby and it was hard on their family.

He already knew most of what we want from talking to H so I really just had to tell him that we want to have a shroud made for her and we want to bury her in wildflowers before filling her grave in with dirt. He pulled down a binder and showed us pictures of shrouds that their source sews for them. He said they hadn't made such a small one before but he would contact the lady who does the sewing and they'd work it out. As soon as it is finished, they will deliver it to our house and show us how to use it so that it's ready for her when we need it.

Then he pulled out another binder and showed us examples of natural burials they have done in the past. I was immediately silenced in gratitude and grief. In every picture, the graves were lined in wildflowers. He said when we arrive with Abigail, they will have her grave ready and lined with wildflowers to lay her on top of. A bed of flowers for my baby.

I hadn't even told him yet about what I wanted to do with the flowers. I call this divine providence. My Heavenly Father has gone before us and He knew exactly where Abigail would be laid to rest. He worked out all the details, put the vision in my heart, and confirmed for us today that He is still in control, He is still able to take care of us, He is still planning to take care of us, and we have no need to worry at all.

This cemetery has a whole fleet of master gardeners and is an accredited arboretum. He went on to explain we do not need to buy any flowers for Abby unless we want to. He talked about the wildflower gardens located at both their first site for infants - which is now full - and the second site where Abby will be buried. Their gardeners keep the wildflower gardens so that parents can come and cut whatever they want and lay it on graves whenever they come to visit.

We then told him we want to cover her with flowers before filling in the grave and he assured us they would get whatever we wanted - and most likely it would be grown on site. He told us there will be no charge - for any of it. They will cover everything and do whatever we ask. We can have as big of a service for her as we want - even use their chapel if we'd like. Or as little as we want. They can put up a shade at the site or some chairs.

I'm not saying this was easy but we were definitely both doing better in that office than B was. He gets an A+ for empathy. When we left the office to drive to view the site, I told Michael "I think before this is over I'm going to be taking care of him. That poor man is going to burst into tears!"

He took us to the first infant site to give us an idea of what Abigail's site will eventually look like. We didn't get out of the car, but he stood at the window and pointed out the landscaping and benches and told us what would be similar and what they would be improving in the second site. Then we drove up to Abby's site.

I can't even say what was talked about there honestly. It was a very short walk from the door of the car to where the first graves had already been filled. The whole world just became very quiet and tiny for me. I got tunnel vision and felt like I was hearing everything from underwater. There were temporary markers and some balloons and flowers laid on a couple of the graves. I think B was talking about where future landscaping and a gazebo will go. All I could see were the tiny tiny tiny graves.

They're so tiny.

There was nothing to sign. No money to pay. Nothing to plan or do. No details to work out. I'd expected details to work out. Paperwork. Something. But all there was to do was say "thank you" and accept B's condolences as we drove away. I felt insecure not having anything to do or even a receipt or something to hold on to.

Michael took Theo into a McDonald's to get food - none of us had had a chance to eat yet. I had been steadily crying since we arrived at Abby's site but as soon as Michael and Theo got out of the car, I just started weeping openly. The graves are so tiny.

When they came back to the car with food, I decided to drive us to a park with a splash pad. Theo was having a bad morning - he wanted to play and run and wiggle so badly but hadn't been able to and had to be patient waiting for food and he really deserved some proper attention.

I can't stop thinking about how this is the second time Michael and I have taken a walk in a cemetery and paused to visit an infant section. The first time was in July 2014 when we first started dating. We were just on a walk, talking, when we stumbled upon that site. Michael told me that in Latin, cemetery means "garden of rest." I can't stop envisioning the only bedtime routine we may ever get to go through with Abigail.

We've told Pastor C that we want a very small, private burial. We don't need any bells or whistles. Maybe a reading from Scripture or a prayer. Whatever last rites are typical. The only part we really care about, besides including those present in burying her in flowers, is having a private moment first with just the three of us. Since the day we brought Theodore home from the hospital, we have always sang the Doxology right before his naps and bedtime, prayed with him, and said generally the same parting words before closing his bedroom door. I cannot stop the replay in my mind: envisioning doing this routine with Abigail at her burial, singing her a lullaby, praying over her and saying goodbye, giving her up to Michael, watching him lay her in the ground, watching her disappear from view as flowers and dirt cover her. Walking away with empty arms.

It's absolutely agonizing but I can't make this vision stop repeating over and over in my mind. This whole week has been a good week for me. The end of two full good weeks. More than I ever imagined. But today was a bad day. It was hard. I'm so relieved it's over. Now I can get back to enjoying feeling her kick inside me, anticipating seeing her beautiful self for the first time, and focusing on the gift that I have a baby girl. And I don't think I will intentionally think about her burial anymore until I have to finally face it.

We got to the splash pad and I set up a blanket and posted myself there to watch Theo play in the sprinklers. It was a hot day today but I had no energy to get up and play in the water with him and stay cool. I just wanted to sit and watch. After being so terribly close to one of my baby's deaths, I needed to watch my other baby live.