July 5th, 2022
Today we met with Pastor C to plan Abigail's memorial service. It was a lot easier than I expected. You'd think planning this kind of thing should be really heavy and difficult. And it's not that it was a walk in the park or anything, but compared to how I thought I should feel about the whole ordeal, it was really just fine.
There were a few requests that we went in knowing we would have. Maybe the most unorthodox is that we want to have a blood drive for her memorial service.
At our May 15th appointment (D-Day #2) I'd asked the nurse we met with if Abigail could be eligible for organ donation. She said it was something the team could look into for us but that she really doubted it because "these babies tend to have other things wrong that make them ineligible." I was so disappointed to hear that because there would be something redeeming and beautiful about this already if God were able to use Abigail to heal someone else.
That's also the appointment where I was warned a ton about hemorrhaging. Not long after that appointment I thought I'd like us to do a blood drive for Abigail. I'm not sure how to go about signing up other people to be organ donors - or how successful that would be anyway. I'd never known that women who have stillbirths are at an increased risk of hemorrhaging. I do know that hospitals are always in need of more blood supply. So I want to do a blood drive. If Abigail can't give, I want to inspire others to give for her to help her build her legacy.
Pastor C said he'd have to talk to the other staff at our church. It's not that he doesn't want to do it or thinks it's weird but that he has to be considerate of the fact that this would put more work on other members of the staff than it would on him personally anyway so he can't say "yes" for them.
I hope it can happen. I've already checked the Red Cross website and it looks like hosting a blood drive should be pretty straight forward. And I've talked to some deaconesses and friends at church and everyone has been very supportive and said they'd be willing to help however they can with hosting.
The second thing we told Pastor C was that we want the tone of this service to be worshipful and celebratory. We are planning to do a private burial for Abigail very soon after she passes. I am anticipating that will be the hardest part for me and that will be the occasion for wearing black, crying, and lamenting. I want her memorial service - which will be somewhere around a month later - to be loud and as happy as it can be. Burying her is sad. Remembering her is an honor and her memory is worth celebrating.
So I told Pastor C that I'd like "Be Alright" by Evan Craft played at her service, since I've now come to think of it as "Abigail's Song" but that I want that to be the saddest song comparatively. I do not want a bunch of mournful music and tear-jerking poems. I certainly don't mean to be insensitive to anyone who is grieving Abigail with us, but in all honesty I'm also not planning this service for them. To us, this is first and foremost about Abby and us. And what we know we will need once this is all over is to be led into the throne room to worship and rediscover the joy of the Lord.
We believe that is where Abby will be during her service - the throne room of God. We'd like to join her there and the beautiful reality is that Christ has opened up a way for us to enter into God's throne room anytime of day or night. That is what happens every time we pray or sing to God - we join in with all the saints whispering their prayers to a God who can hear us all at the same time and we participate with the angels who are forever singing His praise. Worship is a sacred place where time and space no longer matter.
Perhaps as we enter into the throne room from our vantage point on a broken earth, there will not be "no more mourning or crying or pain." But her service can be a place where "He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes" (Revelation 21:4).
So that's why we want to worship - like David did after his infant son died. We will mourn and we will cry but at least for her service, we'll wash our faces, lotion up, get dressed, and go into the house of the Lord to worship and yes, to celebrate (2 Samuel 12:20).
Our final request that we brought in to this meeting was that Pastor C use this as an opportunity to minister to others in our congregation and community who have lost children. Abigail is due October 24th and October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th specifically is the day when all around the nation people participate in "a wave of light" - lighting candles in memory of babies lost too soon. It's a way to honor those children but also to stand alongside the parents who have grieved in silence and alone for far too long.
My instincts tell me to keep Abigail to myself. I don't want to share her. I don't want to let anyone else hold her. I want to hog her all to myself. But the Spirit inside me tells me she was not given to me to hoard. I don't think any children ever are. They are meant to be shared and known and loved by many - to make their marks on this world no matter how tiny the footprints.
So we will not be having a private memorial service. We will invite anyone and everyone who wants to come. For our own sakes, we don't want to be left to remember Abigail our whole lives by ourselves. But for everyone else, we want especially to offer other couples who have suffered through pregnancy or infant loss to have a chance to participate in a wave of light with us. To know they are not alone and to get the chance, maybe for the first time, to honor the memory of the baby they love in a formal service. It is likely this service will happen during October or very quickly afterward and so it just makes sense to let Abigail's service belong to everyone who has suffered similar loss.
Part way through our meeting I received messages that J&A were in the hospital in labor with Baby J. It's startling to recognize how differently this impacted me than when S&S where having Baby C just 5 weeks prior. This time I was able to smile at the text, laugh at the mental image of J sitting on a birthing ball and asking for an oreo milkshake, and say a quick prayer for her health and the safe delivery of Baby J. He was born within an hour of our meeting - at 6:57 pm. 7 lbs, 15 oz, 21 inches long and perfectly healthy. I am going to bed relieved and at peace tonight, smiling and thankful to God that there is new life in this world.
Comments