I received an alarming message via My Chart this morning.
Dr. F put in a note on my October 6th ultrasound saying that it indicates polyhydramnios. HUGE shock. No one said anything at all to me or Michael about my fluid levels when we were there Thursday. We didn't even see Dr. F that day.
I saw that word and immediately started hyper-ventilating. This is what we've been praying against. This is the risk factor that they kept saying is the reason she won't make it full term. I called MFM twice this morning but no answer. I called Michael and told him what the note said. He and I remember Thursday the same way. Our ultrasound tech, J, told us when she was measuring fluid levels. We were both watching of course. Nothing seemed different than any other time they've measured. And when we met with Dr. B afterward she said the ultrasound looked good - "you got some good pictures today" - but nothing else. Neither of us can remember her even mentioning fluid levels.
Why didn't anyone tell us!?
By lunch time I was pacing the house trying to think about making lunch for Theo but not able to think in complete sentences, trying just to breathe. Then my phone rang.
After a preliminary chat with the nurse all I knew was that yes I do have polyhydramnios but we're not concerned about it yet and that I should wait on a phone call from Dr. B with more information. She also said that it's likely I'll go into labor before our desired induction date of November 1st.
Dr. B called while Theo was napping. A normal Amniotic Fluid Index (AFI for short - it's a number that the ultrasound techs come up with after they measure the fluid in the four quadrants of the uterus during a scan) is 5-24. At my September diagnostic ultrasound I was at a 20. At my October 6th ultrasound I was at a 28.
It's not necessarily a big jump in our case. They know why it's happening - it's because Abby's not keeping up with the fluid levels. So normal babies swallow amniotic fluid and keep levels regulated that way. She may still be swallowing, but not enough or fast enough to keep up with the fluid coming in. At a 28, our case is mild. They don't get concerned until I hit 35.
At this time, Dr. B says she's not concerned that the levels are dangerous to Abby or impact her life expectancy. That said, she knows our priority is to have as much time with her as possible - whether that's inside or outside. So she offered another ultrasound to check fluid levels again to see how quickly they're increasing. Do we want that?
I don't know. Do we? I mean I don't want any more ultrasounds emotionally. But should we know how quickly they're increasing? Does it change anything? Gah. I don't know!
Dr. B says that Abby's not at risk more than she already was... the main concern is me. Yes, there's more risk of more bleeding after delivery, but they're going to be proactive about it and I'm not at a 35 yet. The bigger concern is whether I can manage the symptoms I'm experiencing. Dr. B doesn't see a reason yet to move up delivery date.
Then again, if we do an ultrasound and the levels are going up quickly then we may want to move delivery up to next week to decrease risk of stillbirth.
I told her that my symptoms aren't unmanageable at this point. I mean I am super uncomfortable, moving slow, and not moving easily or painlessly. I have lots of pre-labor contractions (which a google search tells me is a result of polyhydramnios). And polyhydramnios could trigger my labor earlier than the golden November 1st wish-date. But does that change anything?
No. It's going to take a lot more pain than this to make me consider moving up delivery date purely for my own comfort. I did tell Michael just this past weekend that I don't think I'm going to make it to November 1st. But that's not because I'm considering moving the induction - it's because I keep having to jump in the bath and chug water to calm down these pre-labor contractions. That on top of the amount of discomfort had me thinking there's no way I won't go into labor naturally before getting induced. Turns out, there might be something to that instinct.
I think I would consider moving the induction date if they could tell me it would increase Abby's life expectancy - but I'm not talking life outside the womb. I'm talking life. She's alive now even though she hasn't been born and that matters just as much to me as her life outside the womb does. And I still hear Michael's words in my heart:
"And if that means that she passes in utero and we never get to meet her alive, it will mean that she has the easiest, least traumatic passing she possibly could: surrounded by her mother's love in every way possible."
So maybe we'll do another ultrasound this Friday at my next appointment to see how quickly fluid levels are increasing. But...maybe not?
You know what...as the initial fear and panic is waning, I'm leaning towards "no." This changes nothing.
What is true?
What is true is that Jesus is still in control. God is still good.
Abby is still kicking today just like always.
It is still a good day. The sun is out, the fall weather is beautiful, Theo has been such a good kiddo today. Our friends have been in touch today, helping us with logistics, visiting and checking in.
I have had 38 magical weeks with my precious girl so far. More than we imagined. My phone screen is cuter than ever with her adorable face sticking her tongue out at me and reminding me not to let my fear be bigger than my faith.
No. This changes nothing.
Whenever she comes, it will be good. I have to trust that if we don't get to keep her until November 1st, it's because she and God decided that it was better for her to come on a different day. And I have to hope that He is going to bring her to us when her chances for being born alive are best - not based on a statistic but based on His perfect knowledge about her.
I haven't heard from Him yet today - just from fear. Fear says to fight, do something, save her! But until I hear from Him, I'm not moving a delivery date based on fear. If I move the date, it will be because of faith - faith that the Great Physician has told us it's time. And I think, especially now with polyhydramnios, He's capable of moving the date up without the help of pitocin. It will be good whenever she comes. My whole world is in His hands. His very capable, loving hands.
I came to the end of me August 21st. I committed to "be still" and let God fight for me. I'm not going to change that decision now that it's October 10th. Not because I feared a vocabulary word.
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