July 10th, 2022
"Then Jesus said to His disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
"Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you - you of little faith!" (Luke 12:22-28).
When I was in high school my amazing youth pastor would take all of us up to Wisconsin every winter between Christmas and New Years for "Winterfest." We got to play in an abundance of snow - snow ball fights, snowshoeing onto the frozen lake for a bonfire, tubing down a huge hill, cross-country skiing, and my favorite sport: broom ball. You can ask me about the details sometime later.
There was also the family style meals in the great hall, the huge fire places surrounded by cushy chairs and couches, unlimited hot chocolate, laughing and playing games or doing puzzles with youth group friends, and enjoying impromptu musical performances from my oddly talented peers (I did not fit in with them in that particular area). All of this created an unforgettable atmosphere for the backdrop of learning more and more how to study the Bible and seek God in individual quiet times that my youth pastor set aside for us.
The camp in Wisconsin is run by college students from Wheaton and so they were usually different leaders every time I went. This one year a woman I don't remember stood up to share what God had placed on her heart and she read this passage from Luke 12 (you can also read Matthew's version from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-30). She pointed something out that changed my perspective on Jesus' teaching forever.
She talked about how because of her upbringing, she always used to feel chastised when she read passages like this one. She felt like Jesus was disappointed in her and wanted her to "be better, do better." But she was learning at that point in her life that her baggage did not reflect Jesus' heart for us. It's not that He's sternly getting in our faces yelling at us to "Stop worrying!" Jesus is the gentle shepherd, getting down on our level and speaking intimately to us: "You don't have to worry. I'm going to take care of you. It's going to be okay."
Later in college when I was learning to do word studies, I revisited this lesson. The phrase "you of little faith" bothered me. I learned that there are three places Jesus uses this phrase. The first is in this passage - Matthew 6/Luke 12. He's teaching and He's illustrating both God's ability and plan to care for us as well as our lack of any need to worry at all.
The second is in Matthew 8 when the disciples are with Jesus in a boat and a huge storm brews - scaring them into thinking they're about to die. They wake up Jesus and ask Him, in panic attack mode, for help. "He replied 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then He got up, and rebuked the winds and the waves and it was completely calm (Matthew 8:26)."
This time it's through a miracle, but He again illustrates our lack of any need to worry at all - this time coupled with the same second lesson with a twist. In Matthew 6/Luke 12 He was teaching about God's ability and plan to care for us. Here in Matthew 8 Jesus is giving the same lesson still, but with the twist - He is God. After all, these disciples knew Psalm 107 from Hebrew school by heart. It says:
"They saw the works of the LORD, His wonderful deeds in the deep. For He spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and He guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for mankind (v. 24-31).
How could you have this memorized, go through what the disciples did, and not think of this Psalm!? In fact, that is their response - they are amazed at His identity. Not just what He accomplished, but what it said about Who He is. This is Yahweh - the LORD. But don't miss verse 31. Even though Jesus again used the phrase "you of little faith," we would be remiss to interpret that phrase without including the tone of "His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for mankind."
The third place this phrase pops up is in Matthew 16:5-12. The disciples forgot to pack some food and they're worried about it. Meanwhile Jesus - just coming from the context of a conflict with the religious elite - is talking to them about being on guard against the religious elite and he uses a food metaphor to make His point. But the disciples don't get it because they're over there worrying about forgetting to pack food.
Jesus uses the phrase again: "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don't you remember..." And then He goes on to remind them of two separate miracles He performed to feed thousands of people when there was just not enough food at all for any of them.
He once again showed off His identity as God & King in those miracles, demonstrated His ability and plan to care for them, and illustrated our complete lack of any need to worry. This time He also used His pet name for worried disciples in order to get them back on track.
Their minds had wandered so much they couldn't focus on what He was trying to show them. It's Him simultaneously reassuring them that they don't need to worry because He can take care of them and also saying "Hey, guys, focus! We've got a mission and God's trying to do something but you're going to miss it if you keep thinking like this when I'm talking to you."
After studying this, I gave up the idea that "you of little faith" is an offensive phrase. Maybe some people will never agree with me. Then again, I also came from a house where my mom affectionately referred to me as "weirdo" and my best friend in college affectionately referred to anyone she truly loved as a "dork." I myself refer to my son as "silly boy" - and now that I think of it, I tend to do that when I'm lovingly looking at him and maybe sighing over something he's doing but also about to fix the situation to make it all better. Hm. Interesting.
The point is, when I read Luke 12, I don't hear a voice of condemnation. I hear my loving Savior talking to me not about what I should or shouldn't be doing at all really but about how much He loves us. How He will provide. He's got this. It's going to be okay.
In the initial weeks after D-Day I was crying in bed and thinking about Abigail, wondering what her animal would be. Theodore got bears - everything was bear themed including his special swaddle we asked the doctor to catch him with. After that, we spent time talking about our future children and picking out a special nursery animal for them too. There's a little boy we're hoping the doctor will catch one day in our future with a swaddle covered in little foxes. And there's a little girl I'm hoping to give a nursery full of seals and other aquatic decorations.
But this isn't that little boy or little girl. This is Abigail and we hadn't known about her when we started dreaming up those nursery animals. She didn't seem to fit the mold. And no animal seemed to fit for her. Instead, I just kept thinking of wildflowers. I asked the Lord where in the world that was coming from. I'm not a plant person. I don't mean this to be ironic, but it's true that I just can't seem to keep plants alive.
I believe it was His way of answering me to bring to mind Luke 12:27: "Consider how the wild flowers grow..." I heard Him whispering to me, "I love Abigail. I am able to and I plan to take care of her. I am her Heavenly Father. Consider how the wild flowers grow - she is like a wild flower but she is so much more. She is a human, made in my image. I make the wild flowers grow and I make them beautiful. I am making her grow and she is beautiful too."
So I started looking up stuff about wild flowers. The first thing I found was a cute sign on Pinterest for a nursery that says "In a field of roses, she is a wildflower."
That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. How I wish I could decorate a nursery for her with that quote. It is true. I'm carrying a little girl that is different from every other little girl I've ever met. All of them are beautiful, but she is different. She is a wild flower.
The next thing I started looking up was how God uses the term "wild flowers" in Scripture. Over and over again I saw how God compares people to wild flowers - almost always in the context of highlighting how short our lives are.
Well that resonates. Abigail has the most lethal diagnosis a baby in the womb can receive. She will certainly not survive long after birth - if at all. And as I reflected on that, the phrase came to mind: "the value of human life is not measured by time and is no less beautiful for brevity." Just like wildflowers.
The last thing I looked up was information about wild flowers in general since I really know very close to nothing about plants. I landed on this encyclopedia page. Are you ready for this?
"Generally the term applies to plants growing without intentional human aid, particularly those flowering in spring and summer..."
Mmmhmm. That checks out. She wouldn't be growing at all if some people had a say in it. Without intentional human aid indeed! Remember, we'd been doing fertility treatments but they weren't working so we stopped and were waiting for more testing to come up with a plan. And as for flowering in spring and summer... well doesn't that just perfectly describe the time when Abigail's life has been in bloom!
It gets better...
"The distinction of weeds from wildflowers depends upon the purpose of the classification. A weed is a plant that, from a human perspective, is out of place; that is, one growing where it is unwanted. Sunflowers are looked upon as weeds when growing in cultivated fields or on grazing land of the Great Plains of North America but as wildflowers in uncultivated valleys. The sunflower also is a crop plant cultivated for its seeds; in some places it is a garden flower."
From a lot of people's perspectives, "out of place" and "growing where it is unwanted" are phrases appropriately applied to a fetus with anencephaly. By their definitions, Abigail is a weed. Frankly, from our perspective, we were praying for a garden flower - cultivating is a funny picture of what we were trying to do with my body but it's true. We were trying to will her into existence.
God gave us a wild flower. Because that's the difference. It doesn't matter what other people think. He defines her - not other people or even us. According to Him, she is in just the right place. She is growing where He wants her. Without any human intervention, she continues to grow and kick. Her heart stubbornly beats a healthy rhythm.
"Consider how the wild flowers grow..." Okay, Lord. Yes!
We could pluck her and end her growth. But despite the odds, she is growing. Doctors say she isn't viable. Plenty of them can't understand why we didn't miscarry her in the beginning. Without any human aid, she is growing. God is making her grow. She isn't a weed. She isn't a crop or garden flower. She is a wild flower.
I shared this with my friend R and she helped me to design this beautiful name announcement for Abigail.
We printed them off this weekend and brought a bunch of them to church to give to people who live in town. On the short drive to church I told Michael I was suddenly worried about doing this. What if people think it's not okay to talk about? Like maybe this is a matter we should keep private and to ourselves? Will they think we're "oversharing"?
Michael responded, with some strong language I won't quote, that he doesn't care what people think. She is his daughter and he is proud of her and he is excited to share her with everyone.
And the Lord keeps reminding me not to worry - He has a plan here and a purpose for Abigail. I don't need to worry about oversharing. He is able and plans to take care of us through all of this. I need to focus - because as long as I'm worrying like this, I could miss what He is trying to talk to me about.
After church I watched Michael with pride as he darted all over the sanctuary, trying to catch people before they got out the door, beaming and handing out name announcements for his little girl. We've said Abigail's name means "delight of her father." Another translation is "Father's Joy." I got to see that come true today and I love Michael even more for how he loves her. We never predicted she would bring us so much joy when we learned how sick she is. But she's our wildflower and we take pride and joy in her.
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